Confessions: I am lonely and my son needs a father figure

I’m 29 and I have a son who is turning four in a few months. My problem is, I want to have a father figure for my son since the baby daddy left me when I was pregnant and lost touch and contact. We had issues where he refused to take responsibility and said he wasn’t the father to my unborn baby. I decided to move on and take care of my son. Now I have a problem with finding the right man for myself and a father figure for my son. Please help me because most of my relationships last barely two weeks.

Gladwell

What readers say

If you are looking for ‘Baba Mlezi,’ take your time. The majority of men today are just looking for fun and pleasure. Why can’t you look after your child as a single parent while waiting for Mr. Right? Don’t be in hurry.

Join social networks, groups, chamas, dating clubs and church groups. You might get lucky. Or tell your aunties, they may have connections. But don’t stress yourself for imaginary worldly goods and hopes.

Onyango Outha 

Gladwell, a “father figure” is quite an important title to bestow on a partner because they have a unique opportunity to influence and impact the life of your child. Be careful about awarding this role to someone who’s not ready to sign up for the long-term.

What you need to consider is: does he have it in him to work through problems with you? To love unconditionally, and put in the effort to keep your relationship strong and healthy? Step parenting is a lifetime commitment not without both priceless moments and unique trials.

With proper planning and dedication, a stepdad can be the life partner you deserve and a gift to your child. Ask God for guidance, all the best.

Fred Jausenge

I urge you to be honest with yourself, and if nothing works for you after this, accept your status and move on. Don’t be in a desperate search for a ‘father figure’ to the extent that you accept whoever is willing to stay. Some are so terrible they would make your life miserable and would turn out the worst figures ever.

Jesus always identified with His mother and is our Saviour; who says your son cannot have only you by his side and still become a great man? Wake up to the realities. You have a life to live, realities to face and duties to accomplish and all of them are tailored for you: wake up.

Tasma Saka 

Sorry Gladwell for the predicament you are going through. Why doesn’t your relationship last for more than two weeks? Be frank and tell us. Or are you so demanding? I’m ready to be a father figure on condition that you will be vaccinated against the Covid-19 and be in position to milk cows because I am a dairy farmer. Jeff Chepkwony

What Hilda says,

I commend you for deciding to move on and take care for your son.  Almost all men can be fathers but it takes a dad to raise a child. They say “you require love to be a dad. Not DNA.”

So don’t be surprised by your baby-daddy. Fathers offer anchorage, social and emotional stability (thus boosting self-esteem) to their children. When working together with the mothers, children can benefit greatly as far as discipline is concerned.

In other words, I cannot over-emphasise the pivotal role that fathers play in the lives of their children.

I also agree with you that it is important for your son to have a father figure in his life. However, this figure does not have to be a man that you are romantically involved with, although that would be ideal.

I believe you have men of reputable character in your life who would be willing to take up this role if requested. This can be a brother or any other relation of yours, a colleague or friend.

Feel free to explore this other alternative so as to rid yourself of the pressure of finding a life partner quickly to help your son. It will also protect you from wrong characters who can sense your need and therefore take advantage of you.

There are men who have acted and pretended to be exceptionally kind to a child or children as a gateway to into the lives of single moms. Women too have acted vice versa. That your precious son is the more reason why you need to take your time. 

Meanwhile, as you wait for the right man, speak well of the father when your son begins asking about him. Do not let your son into your hurt and disappointment because you never know what time can do to that man.

Speak honourably of him. Do not be worried that you are giving undue credit to the man. No. You are protecting your son from bitterness which is an unnecessary burden at his age.

Doing this will not dim your role and position you play in his life but rather earn you so much respect when he finally gets too the age where he can understand.

Hilda Boke Mahare has a background in Counselling Psychology