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Home / Between The Sheets

How do I jump start my poor libido?

 My life is pretty good but it is definitely missing a good sex life (Image: Shutterstock)

Hi Chris,

On the whole, life’s been pretty good to me. I enjoyed my time at school and college, and have had an exciting career. I also have a wonderful husband and two lovely children.

And yet, there’s one thing that’s very definitely missing. A good sex life. Things were great when my husband and I were newly married, but not anymore.

I like the thought of making love, and even set aside time to be romantic, but somehow I never seem to really get into the mood these days.

Any ideas? What might really work to turn me on?

Not Much of a Love Life

Chris Hart says,

Hi Not Much of a Love Life!

Don’t laugh, but you can learn a lot about female desire by reading romantic novels written by women. And think a little about yourself, to understand what best applies to you.

Because women vary a lot! Most say that they’re turned on by feeling loved by their partner, for example, and turned off whenever they’re feeling unattractive, but after that, anything goes!

Some say they like their husband’s smell. Others need him freshly showered. Some like the idea of making love somewhere new or risqué.

Others are really turned off by the idea of being seen or overheard. Anger or anxiety are stoppers for some women, while others use lovemaking to lift a bad mood, or make up after a fight.

Men generally have a more predictable sex drive than women, who tend to experience more highs and lows. And on average, female desire only matches male lust close to ovulation.

Men are also always aware when their bodies are becoming aroused, but women often aren’t. And so they miss a lot of opportunities.

Because even though women’s bodies almost always start to prepare for sex as their husbands become enthusiastic, their conscious mind doesn’t know that!

So what should you do if you just never feel in the mood?

Well, start by considering a trip to your doctor to rule out physical illness, and a counsellor if you think stress, psychological issues or relationship problems might be relevant.

Remember times you’ve enjoyed sex in the past. And imagine yourself in some of the scenes in those romantic novels.

Describe your fantasies to your husband and enjoy talking about them. Tease each other, bathe together, and watch funny or scary movies. You’d be surprised how often those can get you into the mood.

And recognise that your body’s much more willing than you realise. So even if you’re feeling flat, start kissing and cuddling anyway.

You’ll soon feel emotionally closer, and both your body and your desire will start moving in the right direction.

Above all, remember the golden rule: the more often you make love, the better. Because nothing stimulates female desire like frequent practice!

All the best,


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