Confessions: After two years of dating I still don’t know where he lives

I am 20 and have dated this guy (27) for two years now. All this time I have never known where he stays or any of his family members. We only meet and stay in hotels and whenever I ask to know where he stays he just gives me funny excuses and says we shall go there someday. I love him very much but I don’t understand why he behaves like this. He says that his family is in their rural areas and that he has very few friends who I have never met. Please help me understand him. He has promised to marry me.

{Evelyn}

What the readers say:

Evelyn two years is a very long time to date someone and not understand them. If you have not understood him, you will never understand him. Further, you say that you love him but he has neither shown you his home nor introduced you to his close relatives and friends. I read mischief here and can tell you straight that he is not serious with this relationship. He is only using you for the moment then he will leave you stranded.

{Lillian Musembi}

He evidently has his fears which may include you. Work to make him trust you and share his fears with you. It is not too late to learn about him but you will need to meet his friends so you can know more. Keep a distance from his friends though.

{Rose Muthoni}

The writing is on the wall – this guy is married and he has a family and that is why he takes you to hotels so don’t be fooled. Simply ask him where he lives and tell him to take you there. You could be dating a thug or a man who is putting up with friends. Do you know what he does for a living? Investigate or ask someone to do this for you otherwise cut loose from this relationship, it could get you into a lot of trouble.

{Isaac Ngugi}

At 27 that guy has a wife and a child or two. Ask him if he is sincere and wants your hand for marriage to take you to his rural home and introduce you to his parents and you too should introduce him to your parents. Let him also take you to his workplace or you may be having an affair with a funny character that may turn out to be dangerous. This man is not honest with you and may be out to ruin your future. He may even impregnate you then disappear into thin air so be very careful with him.

{Onyango Outha}

Boke says:

Dear Evelyn,

The two years you have dated are sufficient for you to have some reasonable information about your boyfriend. At least where he lives, what he does, a few of his friends and family members. Now that this is not the case, you have every reason to be suspicious.

Although there are people who are naturally secretive and discreet in their affairs when two people are at the point of discussing marriage, such guards need to be lowered.

You have every right to demand to know more about him because you cannot be relating with a stranger. Most likely, he has all the relevant information about you. Otherwise, no one gets overly comfortable around a stranger. He knows this very well and you are the only one being fooled here.

Looking at it from this angle, it means that he has reasons he is dealing with you this way. These reasons may not be good. They could range from personality issues to him being a criminal, to cheating. It is as varied as anyone can imagine. Could it be that he has a family and that you knowing his family members or friends would get him busted?

Treat this matter as a matter of your personal safety. You will also need to slow things down until you are comfortable with the facts that you would have gathered about him. Do not be deceived by his talk on marriage. It is meant to give you false comfort. Do not wait until it is too late. This man is likely to disappear into thin air or put you in harm's way depending on what his reasons are for being mysterious.

Hilda Boke Mahare has a background in Counselling Psychology

Simon says:

Evelyn this must be rather frustrating for him to keep dodging you over issues that are relatively easy and anybody in your situation would be just as anxious. However, even with this, there are a few things we need to put into perspective as we help you through this.

To start with, it is clear that he is taking you for a ride. There is no way a person can be in a relationship with another for two years yet they have never met any of the partner’s family or friends. This is not by chance; it is simply a case of someone who wants to remain anonymous by providing you with as little information as possible about them.

Having reflected about this situation for some time, I will bring in another critical dimension about your situation – the age factor. You are 20 and he is 27. The five-year age difference is indeed reasonable but we need to think critically about this.

Going by his age of 27, it is probable that he may either already be married or in a serious relationship. This could explain the anonymous profile he wants to assume. If he is single and serious about this relationship, he would naturally be excited and keen to show you around to all and sundry. Within this age group, young men are usually very excited about the ladies they are serious about and they assume a totally different profile than he is displaying.

Lastly, you are at the tender age of 20 and this may pose a somewhat complex problem on your part. At 20 you have very little experience about relationships and are most certainly not ready for marriage. Slow down Evelyn and give yourself time to grow physically and emotionally. You should not be in a hurry to get married because that is a long-term commitment.

At that rate, men will often take advantage of you like he seems to be doing. and then leave without a trace. Take time to date, to make new friends, to allow for life to take its normal course and you will find the right partner and get married to him at the right moment. A man who promises you marriage even before showing you where he lives or introducing you to some of his friends and family members is only taking you for a sweet ride.

Simon Anyona is a relationships counsellor