Sexual healing: Three ways you could be hurting your intimacy

In the past, we have been looking at sexual function and dysfunction using different – often complex – lenses. Well, this week I would like us to look at ways in which your behaviour could be robbing you of your sex life.

You think of having sex, you think of initiating it and then right before you do it, you get anxious or make the assumption you will be rejected, so you withhold or withdraw your desires. The problem with this is that you not only allow the current state of events to continue, you may even make them worse by triggering desire in your partner only to leave them unsatisfied, or cause your partner to believe they are unwanted and undesired.

What to do about it: Be honest about what is really going on with you/with your relationship. Has there been infidelity? Might there be symptoms of erectile dysfunction, pain during sex, low sexual desire or more, at play? Whatever the case, be honest about it and then be honest about how to go about handling it.

Remember: you and your partner deserve a fulfilling sex life, so don’t give up on yourself just yet.

Abuse is a catch-all term used to describe a violation of some sort. It manifests in many different ways including physical abuse like hitting, kicking, scratching, punching; emotional abuse which includes manipulating, gas lighting, withholding love/affection and even sexual abuse which is forcing yourself on the other without their consent/permission through touching, kissing, penetration and more. In a nutshell, you’re miserable to live with and you make everyone around you miserable too. The sexual act requires vulnerability and no one wants to be vulnerable to the very same person who hurt them in the first place. If you’re abusive, your behaviour is harmful, hurtful and is likely directly responsible for the poor state of your sex life.

What to do about it: Stop hurting your partner. I know it sounds obvious but if it was so obvious then you wouldn’t be doing it in the first place. So here I am saying it to you: you cannot be a violent person in any way and expect to connect sexually – and I say this with the knowledge that some people do go on to have sex despite the abuse. However, this is usually coerced sex, which makes it a violation (and a crime!). It’s not just enough to stop your abusive behaviour, you need to seek help so you can get to the root cause of it and you can be guided into acknowledging the harm that you have caused, how to go about making amends and how to connect to yourself and others in a way that does require violence.

Remember: mature adults do not resolve anything with violence because they have a high enough sense of integrity and self respect to know that force is beneath their dignity. This can be learned, so if you’re struggling in this area, make it your business to learn how to do better and be better.

Think about what we associate boredom with; yawning, lethargy, slowness, slumping? Do any of these words sound sexy or appealing? It’s a sad truth but many people’s sex lives seem to have died on the altar of boredom. The good news is, they’re not dead but merely asleep! How can they be woken up? Engage!

What to do about it: Reconnect with yourself and with your partner. If you, yourself, are disconnected from your life, your joy, your hopes, your fears, your desires and all the things that make you, ‘you’, then it goes to reason that you will be disconnected from all those things in your partner. Unfortunately, in this disconnected state of mind, you will also be more likely to blame your partner for the mediocre state of your sex life. You wouldn’t believe how often people say things like, “my husband doesn’t even try anymore” or “my wife doesn’t ever initiate” or even the all too common “they just don’t satisfy me anymore”.

The problem with blame is, it accomplishes nothing while creating a deceptive sense of freedom from the responsibility of improving your sex life. However, that still leaves you sexless and frustrated in the same space as a partner who is also sexless and frustrated. Why not put your energy into something useful that may actually yield results? How, you ask? When was the last time you got dressed up for dinner with your partner? When was the last time you bought/brought them something nice, for no reason e.g. a slice of their favourite cake, an outfit, flowers, nyama choma or even a cob of roasted maize? When was the last time you wrote them a hand-written letter or sent a risqué text? The point is, make some effort and stop allowing things to flow as they wish; you are allowed to redirect that river.

Remember: nothing is sexier than effort. It almost doesn’t matter what you do as long as you’re making an effort to show love, appreciation and desire. Listen, learn and reignite your sex life.