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Handling bad behaviour: The Dos and Don’ts

Parenting
 Photo; Courtesy

Nearly all children, no matter how placid they were as babies, go through a stage of what the experts call ‘negative behavior.’ Such tantrums are common in the second year, carry on into the third, when it begins to decline until the primary school years when most children are reasonably peaceful.

It’s a mistake to think that outbursts of temper and aggression between 15 and 36 months mean that your child is being wicked and naughty. The problem is that these months are a period of very rapid development.

Your child will make enormous strides in language, in toilet training and in other areas. Children of this age are often very enthusiastic to try out their new skills, and they can become extremely frustrated and cross when they find they can’t manage quite as well as they would like to.

This is also a period when a child is beginning to get a much clearer idea of herself as a separate person, with her own needs and tastes. These may well be different from those of her parents.

 Now that she is confidently mobile and can explore the world around her, she will sometimes begin to find the restrictions imposed on her by adults rather annoying and unnecessary. She may seem to take delight in not doing what you want her to do.

It’s as if she’s deliberately trying to upset you. This can be very upsetting, but it’s important to remember that your child isn’t really attacking you personally. You happen to be the source of adult authority and strength in the house and so she tests the strength of her will against yours.

Dos

*Do stay calm yourself when your toddler is out of control.

*Do try holding her firmly but calmly. If she won’t let you, retire to a safe distance and just wait where she can see you, until she calms down.

*Do remove dangerous and breakable things from her vicinity in case she hurts herself or damages other things.

*Do remove babies and other children from the scene if you can. You don’t want them all to start screaming. Give the others something to eat or something to do, or watch, to distract them.

*Do try to remove avoidable sources of conflict: if you know she doesn’t like a certain food, there’s no point in persistently giving it to her. If you know that both she and her friend like riding on the bike, try to get hold of a second hand bike, rather than them forever fighting over it. It’s useful to have more than one of all popular toys to avoid conflict.

*Do try the value of surprise in calming her down. One mother found that popping her screaming child into the bath was very effective; another found that turning her upside down did the trick.

...and don’ts

*Don’t give in to her after the tantrum is over. This will simply ‘reward’ her for her awful behavior and make her feel that tantrums are the best way of getting her own way. Reward her for being ‘good,’ not for being bad-tempered and anti-social.

*Don’t panic when your toddler behaves in an unreasonable way. It doesn’t help and she’ll almost certainly grow out of this normal phase.

*Don’t compare your child to other children, even your own other children. There are very wide variations in behavior, with some children being more likely to have tantrums than others, simply because they have a more excitable temperament.

Tantrums in toddlerhood have no relationship to aggressive behavior later in life so there’s no need to worry that your angry toddler will become a juvenile delinquent. If you are worried about constant anger and aggression in your toddler and she doesn’t seem to be growing out of it, consult a doctor for advice and direction.

There are all sorts of reasons why a child may find life frustrating and infuriating — some of them physical, such as hearing problems, for instance. The doctor can refer you to other sources of help if you feel this would be helpful.

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