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My chronically ill wife can no longer sleep with me, is it ok if I go to another woman for intimacy?

Marriage Advice By Mirror
Photo: Courtesy

I want to cheat on my chronically ill wife

We have discussed my frustrations and she has said she understands, but would be disappointed if I went elsewhere

Dear Coleen

I’m 50 with a high libido. My wife of 26 years is chronically ill and is not capable of having a sexual relationship.

I love her dearly and have never cheated on her.

We have discussed my frustrations and she has said she understands, but would be disappointed if I went elsewhere.

It would destroy me to know I’d upset her further, given that she’s sick, but the lack of intimacy has been a major contributor to my clinically diagnosed depression, for which I receive counselling and medication.

We have teenage kids who I adore, so I’d be risking a lot, but I’m desperate and my own wellbeing is suffering.

What should I do?

Coleen says

This is a really tough situation and your wife’s illness has clearly taken its toll on your wellbeing too.

If you know that pleasuring yourself isn’t going to be enough and you need that physical contact with another person, then I think you need to discuss it with your wife again.

I think it would hurt her more if you did it behind her back and then she found out about it.

Even if you were very careful, there’s always a risk that someone will find out and tell her.

If it’s just sex and you have no intention of ever getting involved in a relationship with someone, then your wife might be able to accept that, if you were discreet.

However, if you end up seeing one person regularly, you run the risk of it turning into a relationship, and you could find yourself in the middle of a very complicated situation.

Be honest about what you want – whether it’s purely sexual satisfaction or if you want something more.

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