"My daughter’s boyfriend is awful to her and it’s breaking my heart"

I have one daughter who is 24. She’s beautiful, smart, kind and we’ve always enjoyed a really close relationship. However, two years ago she started going out with a complete loser.

He’s in and out of jobs constantly and is always arguing with his bosses and leaving, and then spends weeks or months unemployed. We don’t know if he borrows money from our daughter – she won’t tell us – but I wouldn’t be surprised if this was the case. He smokes and drinks but, worse still, he speaks to her so rudely, even in front of us. He’s always putting her down and shouting at her in front of us all so he may be even worse when they’re alone.

I’ve tried to gently talk to her about him but she becomes very defensive because I’m sure she knows he’s not good enough for her. For some reason she just can’t make the break from him and they’ve even started talking about getting engaged.

She’s my only daughter and it’s just breaking my heart watching this situation happen in front of my eyes. What can I do?

This is my worst nightmare! It’s a really difficult situation and one lots of parents find themselves in. I think the more you go on about him and the more you tell her you don’t like him, the more she’ll dig heels in. If it were me I’d take a gentler approach and say something like, “Listen, I will accept any choice you make because I love you, but in my opinion I want you to know I think you can do much better than this. Why accept somebody who treats you this way?” Then back off a little and let your words sink in. At the end of the day, some girls just fall for the bad boy. They don’t always go on to marry them, but they do date them and then look back and think, “What the hell was that all about?” So it might be a case of just letting her get this out of her system.

However, I certainly wouldn’t let him shout at her in front of me. I’d have to say something like, “Er, excuse me, do you always shout at women like this?” Call him out on it in front of everybody. And explain to her that somebody shouting at you is not OK. It isn’t respect and love. And if she starts talking about getting engaged again, tell her to think long and hard about it.