How to step away from the shadow of an ex

Mike’s world came tumbling down a few months ago when he discovered his wife of three years regularly communicates with her ex-boyfriend.

Even though Anita believes her actions are harmless and noble, she endangers herself. By holding on to her feelings for her ex, she exposes herself to temptation and she delays her ability to connect and grow in intimacy with Mike.

Feeling love for an ex can continue for a number of reasons. Your life is an accumulation of loves and losses. Sometimes, you decide who you date based on lessons learned from failed relationships. Your collection of love experiences represents and validates the breadth of your loving self.

You may have gone through a break-up but continue to think of and fantasize about your ex, even though you now have a new relationship.

You would think, after marrying your Prince Charming, there is no one else you could want in life! You have neither need nor reason for any other person, especially your ex! So why do you still desire someone besides your spouse?

Sometimes, shared bonds of emotional and physical intimacies with an ex cannot be easily broken. Still, your ex should remain that: an ex — someone who once was but now is not.

 Under no circumstances should you retain items such as photographs, gifts, or love letters from that relationship. They have a way of awakening emotions and triggering a romance. You should avoid constant communication. Give your spouse no reason to be jealous of your ex.

Since it is easy to fall back and rekindle a relationship that can break up a marriage and family, make a conscious decision to stay away from your ex. Some helpful tips:

Make a commitment:

Trust is the foundation of a good marriage and it begins with unfaltering commitment. Your partner needs to know you are promising yourself to him and to your marriage together, regardless of any challenges. Your vow must include a willingness to break away from the past, so you can build a future together. Your ex should be part of that past.

Be content:

When one hears the word “contentment”, they tend to think of money and material possessions. However, contentment extends into many other areas of life, including marriage. Marriage is among the most important areas in which you must seek and find satisfaction.

You do not need a perfect marriage to be content, but you must have a positive attitude and outlook if you want to find contentment.

Begin by counting your blessings, naming them one by one. Marital problems are best approached from a position of general contentment rather than from that of perpetual displeasure or misery.

People respond best to positive reinforcement and encouragement; your spouse is no different. In life and in marriage, contentment is a virtue; exercise it.

Create new boundaries:

Keep your ex at a distance. No phone calls, e-mails and texting. And definitely no late-night visits. You should steer clear of your ex by all means.

But what if you cannot completely cut off contact because you have children together, run a business jointly, or belong to the same company?

 Your recovery will be a little bit more challenging but not impossible. You just have to create special limits, dealing with your ex only when absolutely necessary and strictly about your common interests: the kids, the enterprise, or work.

A shoulder to cry on:

Whatever you do, don’t seek comfort in the arms of your ex. It is dangerous because of your familiarity with each other.

 Instead, recruit a support system from your inner circle of friends, preferably those who have your best interests at heart and will not report back to your ex on your progress and setbacks. This is one of the single, most important steps you can follow during your recovery.