Handling sexual performance anxiety as a couple

Sexual performance anxiety is a common issue, yet it is rarely discussed, even in hushed conversations. However, when it is suppressed, sexual insecurity thrives.

This can manifest as a person dreading moments leading to physical intimacy, wishing it wouldn't happen, experiencing tension, lacking sexual interest, or doubting their ability to please their partners.

Psychologist Monica Oyoo defines it as psychological, emotional and physical stress caused by the fear of not performing well or enjoying sex. Internal pressures to satisfy their partner, feelings of unattractiveness and feelings of not being worthy of their partner can also be present.

She explains that this issue is most prevalent in the early stages of relationships, particularly among young partners who are anxious about performing well.

“When someone feels they aren’t physically attractive, they will feel that they aren’t good sexual partners. This mostly happens with women,” says Monica.

In men, sexual performance anxiety can manifest as erectile dysfunction or premature ejaculation. Other factors that can bring about sexual performance anxiety include drug abuse, mental health issues, sexual traumas, watching adult content, societal stereotypes, life challenges and hormonal changes.

Monica explains that it can also lead to generalised anxiety in various areas of life, accompanied by self-doubt and low self-esteem.

In relationships, it can create emotional distance, communication issues and reduced sexual satisfaction, with some people completely avoiding physical intimacy.

Keep Reading

It can also lead to doubts about their partner’s fidelity and depression, arising from the fear that they are unable to please their partners or enjoy intimacy. In some cases, it can even lead to separation.

Monica advises partners to face this issue together through effective communication and mutual understanding. They should also deal with external stressors and seek medical intervention in cases of hormonal imbalances. Therapy is another option.

“Cognitive Behavioural Therapy will help them deal with self-worth, find healthy ways to appreciate themselves and train them how to relax during physical intimacy. Partners can make those moments non-stressful by speaking about their desires and reassuring their partners,” she says.