I think my wife has a Nigerian 'mpango wa kando'

I am in a serious relationship which we are planning on formalising with a wedding this year and we have two daughters aged four and two. Our marriage has been OK until mid last year when I found out that my wife is friends with this man from Nigeria. They used to exchange e-mail and chat but when I found out she changed her phone and email passwords.

Whenever I find something and ask her, she insists that they are just friends. This guy is married and has children but it is surprising that he has showed her where he is putting up a family home in Kitengela for reasons I did not quite understand. I really don’t know what to do as every time I ask her she accuses me of being insecure and not trusting her. Please advise me. {Wanjau}

Your Take:

Wanjau, it’s high time she realised that marriage is a partnership and not a competition. Having an affair is not a solution to the problem she is facing as it will only worsen the situation. Be candid enough and discuss the problem with her, identify the weak points and you will find a solution. Above all ask God for guidance. {Amollo Aketch}

I don’t know what more evidence you need to know that she is cheating on you. Discuss the matter with her in the presence of a few close friends and family to chart the way forward. Try and track down the man to hear what he has to say about this matter. If she has gone as far as changing her password, then something is most certainly not right. {Leah Murugi}

The writing is on the wall. She has shown you that she is dissatisfied with you as her husband and that he is ‘a better man’. Don’t wait any longer. Make up your mind if you are ready to live with a cheating woman since cheating doesn’t only constitute sleeping with someone. {Tasma Saka}

Who is this guy that is just her friend yet he is all over her? Open your eyes a little wider and you will see things the way they are. Give her the benefit of doubt by believing her statements but remember that a thief has 40 days. Just go on with your plans but should she refuse everything about the wedding, do not force her, because seemingly, she wasn’t meant for you. They say that if you really love something, you should let it go and see if it will come back to you. If it does then it was meant for you. {Ouma Wuod Ragumo}

Counsellors Take:

There are four categories of men that any man ought to be very careful about and these comprise West African men, musicians, politicians and rogue priests. There is just something peculiar about these men especially with regard to married women — they just seem to have enormous influence over them. If there are rumours of your wife’s involvement with a man from any of these categories then your options become rather limited leaving prayer and a hard-line stance as the two most viable options.

West African men are known to have tongues that can talk a python into a reinforced steel cage. Politicians and musicians ride on their fame and money while rogue priests take advantage of the enormous information in their possession about the trials and tribulations of married women.

Back to the situation, I think it is essential to get the facts right and categorically state that she is your wife — not some young girl in her mother’s house. You have to clearly define and mark your territory and put your foot down in what is acceptable and otherwise.

It is your responsibility to be firm about relationships you are not comfortable with. If you don’t do this now, this will degenerate to tragic levels. Always remember that you give women an inch, they will take a mile so the inch should not even be available to them in the first place. If talking to her about dropping this friendship fails then I encourage you to engage the fellow.

Even with him, it is advisable to engage a diplomatic move but if it yields no results then you should revert to more ‘assertive techniques’. It is rather obvious that there is more than meets the eye and truth be told – there is no such thing as a friendship between a man and a married woman. You don’t know what stories and promises he gives her when he takes her to the house in Kitengela.

Let her know you would rather start from nothing than live under constant intimidation by another man simply because he appears to have more money. If she thinks the money and false promises he gives to her are worth more than what you have together, open the door for her to leave and do not compromise on anything. {Taurus}