He cheated, threw me out but I can't walk away from his life

My husband cheated on me and threw me out of our house to marry another woman. He also claimed custody of our child arguing that I was jobless. I went back to my parent's house and was down with depression for a while. That woman later left him after he spent all his money on her and he came back to me asking for forgiveness. By this time he was penniless and without a job while I had gotten a job but I accepted him nonetheless. To this day, this wound remains fresh and I harbor a lot of hatred and anger towards him. I feel like I may never love again because he was the first man I became intimate with. The only thing keeping me in this marriage is our child but I am not happy to be here. I feel lost and really don't know what to do. Please advise me. {Doris}

Your Take:

I understand about still loving someone who has left you and never having real closure on this because I am going through the same thing right now. It is hard to love a man who left you for another woman. What reason did he give for having left you for her? Has that been sorted out between the two of you?

If this has not been taken care of then be very aware that he is going to leave you again. I don’t want to hurt you further by saying this but men do not change their habits so if he proves irresponsible, just drop him as soon as you can.

{Salome Mwangi}

Doris, if you decided to forgive and take him back, then do exactly that; forgive and forget. I do not see why you should say that the only thing keeping you in the marriage is the child. You are in the relationship with him not with the child.

{Calvin Queens}

Your story is complicated but you have the power to forgive. For the sake of your children you can forgive this man and if you are not officially wedded, work towards this so you can have equal bargaining power and to protect the welfare of your child.

You also need to get him tested for HIV before you become intimate with him (if you haven’t). Discuss this with or a church minister to prevent this from happening again.

{Onyango Outha}

This man dumped you when you needed him the most. Remember he left you for another woman. However, now that he has no job, he wants you back. Does this make sense to you? It is only a matter time before he dumps you again. Get custody of your child and stay as far away as possible from him.

{Abdi}

Counselor’s Take:

Getting into a relationship is pretty much similar to investing in a business. We invest time, emotions, trust, self-sacrifice and many other things to keep the relationship going as we do in business. However, just like in business, profits and losses go hand in hand and they are a part of everyday life. Sometimes in relationships things happen that we find difficult to live with and in some instances there is a great element of loss. The loss could be in the form of trust, betrayal, financial or sometimes ultimate loss of our loved ones either due to separation or other natural causes.

When this happens, we should not be hesitate to invest again. Investing again could be in the same relationship (if the factors are right) or investing in other relationships. You see, one failed relationship does not imply that all relationships are bad.

Just like in business if one business fails, this does not mean that all businesses are loss makers. I emphasize that if the factors are right and these include remorse, willingness, commitment and desire to change then we should not be afraid to give people a second chance.

However, this does not mean that we do things blindly and forgive everyone that asks for forgiveness. Forgiveness is earned not given. There should also be some terms and conditions for the forgiveness including some benchmarks to ensure that the same things don't happen again.

In your relationship, the tables have turned. He had a job and money but now he is jobless and broke. What guarantees do you have that he is genuine in seeking your forgiveness? He may be looking for shelter and a means to have three square meals a day on your tab. However, he knows that to have this he should ask for forgiveness.

Before taking him back, he should meet certain conditions and these include getting a means of livelihood. This is to safeguard yourself against a repeat of the same instance where he comes crawling to you in his time of need then when he is back on his feet he walks right into the arms of that or another woman leaving you in the same position again. Do not lose focus on the principle that forgiveness is earned not granted

Lastly, no relationship is perfect. As such, forgiveness becomes a critical tool in fixing any problem within the relationship. When we decide to forgive, then we must forgive and forget to avoid rubbing past issues on the other persons face every time a problem comes up. Without forgiveness, relationships would not flourish but remember that it has to be earned. {Taurus}