My girlfriend's male best friend makes me feel insecure

Dear Coleen

I’ve been with my girlfriend for four years and I love her very much.

Since we first started dating, she was honest with me about this male friend of hers – she said he’d been there for her through everything and that they were close friends. I didn’t mind at all – I’m not the type to be unreasonable or jealous.

However, I recently found out that they were sleeping together before we met each other, so now I feel differently about him and their close friendship.

Whenever I text and call her she’s always with this friend and now I feel really insecure. We even had an argument recently about him being at hers all the time (she lives on her own) and all she said was, “The day you start paying my bills is the day you can have a say in who comes into my place and who doesn’t.”

What’s even more annoying is that she objects to me having female friends. I have spoken to her about how I feel and she assures me she has no intention of sleeping with her friend again, but I really don’t believe her!

And I don’t feel the same around her anymore because of him. I don’t want to feel like this, but I’m not sure what to do.

Coleen says

Honestly, I think your girlfriend is being really selfish. The bottom line is, if you’re in a relationship with someone you love and they don’t like you having a close relationship with your ex, then you ought to take their feelings into account. If you don’t, then you don’t deserve their love.

Basically, what your girlfriend is saying to you is, ‘Play by my rules or don’t play at all. This is how it is, like it or lump it, mate’.

Ultimately, she doesn’t care what you think. She has rules for herself and different ones for you.

And even if this friendship with her ex is all above board, the fact remains she has a total disregard for your feelings.

I don’t think she cares about you as much as you’re hoping and as much as you care about her. And if she can’t see that she’s being unfair and unreasonable by refusing to take your opinions and feelings into consideration, then she’s not the one for you.