My mpango's test results came out positive

I have a wife and we have been blessed with a child. I also happen to have a girlfriend who I also really like and we have been intimate for about one month now. We however casually decided to go for a HIV test and she tested positive. I love her I don’t feel like leaving her but now I am confused about this. My wife is upcountry and she is coming back in the course of the month. I was advised not to have unprotected sex for the next three months until I confirm my status. I am now even afraid of going home to see my wife lest we engage in sex. I am really confused about all this and need your advice. Please help me. {Boniface}

 WHAT THE READERS SAY:

Boniface, you must have learned by now that choices have consequences. You started this, now you live with the consequences. Be open to your family about this and disclose to your wife and deal with this together. Do this as soon as possible so that guilt and fear of the unknown does not eat you up. Otherwise if things remain as they are, you may live a life of guilt and this could affect you psychologically.

{Ouma Ragumo – Sifuyo}

 Stick to the doctor’s rules and do not have unprotected sex with your wife because you may expose her to many things. She needs to know the truth about you having another woman that you love and all that has happened. This will help her understand why you are not getting intimate with her and wait for the results. Lastly when you get your results back you will be counselled on healthy living in marriage. Please live by the advice they will give you and you may live a long and healthy life.

{Tasma Saka}

 Boniface you must realise that the more you stay away from your wife, the worse the situation will get. Your wife may also be doing the same things you are doing and the chain would go on. You will have to wait for the time prescribed. If you must, engage in protected sex with your wife as you wait for the time to elapse. No matter the outcome decide to be honest to your family. Such reckless behaviour, and now you have evidence, will just kill you softly.

{Lilian Ooko}

Boniface, I’m not going to advise you to quit your relationship with your girlfriend because there are many relationships out there where one partner is positive and the other is negative. I just wonder how you are going to explain this to your poor wife back at home. This may break her heart and could take a long time to heal. My advice is that you open up to your wife as soon as possible about this. The earlier you do this, the better it will be for you.

{Fred Jausenge}

SIMON SAYS:

Bonny, there are a few things that ought to change about the way you do things now. You are not the young care free and adventurous young man you were before, there are other people in your life now. These come with additional responsibilities that extend to being extremely cautious with your sexual escapades. You have to always carefully consider the likely repercussions of your actions specifically on your wife and child. For your wife the risks are enormous ranging from STIs including the deadly HIV. This would have great impact on your life as well as of everyone in your family so you cannot, and I repeat, cannot continue with such reckless behaviour.

All said and done, you are now considered to have been exposed to HIV having had unprotected sexual contact with a person that turned out to be positive. If this were the case and if you were tested at a credible centre, they ought to have put you on Post-Exposure Prophylaxis (PEP) if you got tested within 72 hours. If they did, you first need to complete the treatment – if you are on it. Further, you will need to follow doctor’s orders to the letter and avoid unprotected sexual contact with your wife until you are tested and your status is ascertained. If you are on treatment, the window period is 1 month but if you are not it extends to 3 months. These two actions are not optional as they could have adverse effects on your wellbeing. Now this effectively means avoiding any form of contact with your wife until the window period is over as this will lead to sexual activity.

Lastly, I want to address this rather obvious naivety on your part. I cannot bring myself to understand why you would purport to be in love with a woman you have only dated for a month. You are not in love, you are only infatuated with her. Get yourself together and carefully consider what this other relationship means for you and your family. Further, for your own good get your act together and focus on enhancing your relationship with your family. I would not encourage you to disclose anything just yet until you confirm your status. If it turns negative adjust your life and move on and if it turns the other way, you will have to hell her everything early. This extra relationship you have is not adding any value to you and your family and you ought to bring it to a quick closure.

Simon is a relationships counsellor

BOKE SAYS:

Choices have consequences they say, unfortunately your choices could harm other innocent people. Fidelity in a relationship is not for the benefit of the other person but much more for the self. The peace and bliss that comes along with fidelity is priceless. Infidelity on the other hand, brings untold pain but disguised as a pleasant emotional rush and excitement at the beginning.

Was your girlfriend aware of her status before the testing or she just discovered? If she was aware, then this speaks volumes about her character especially in relation to her concern for you. Also note it is a criminal offence to knowingly infect a person.

She has tested positive for HIV and you do not feel like leaving her. Have you weighed the consequences on yourself and your young family? Otherwise you should not be confused on what to do.

For now, do whatever it takes to abide by the doctor’s instructions. It is wise and humane to protect your wife from the risk of being infected. Once you confirm your status after the three months and you are still interested in your girlfriend, then let your wife know of your decision. She can bare this better than the news that she is infected. If you test negative, take measures to keep your status as such and the most effective way is by breaking up with your girlfriend and remaining faithful to your wife. If the test is positive, you still have to avoid re-infections.

Think through your options before you make a decision. Whatever option you take protect the people you love, this includes yourself. We hope the test turns negative, if it be otherwise, be kind enough to let the spreading stop with you.

Hilda Boke Mahare has a background in Counselling Psychology

 NEXT WEEK’S TOPIC:

I have been married for 9 years now and blessed with three beautiful girls. My first baby was a boy but he passed on and I have now been left with only girls. The thing is that my parents-in-law don’t seem satisfied with the girls and have been threatening to chase me away if I don’t give them a boy. They are even telling him to marry another woman and sometimes he seems to give in to the pressure. As a matter of fact, he seems convinced that this is the way to go and I think I may soon be kicked out of my matrimonial home. I am scared and confused and would not even want to imagine my husband with another woman. How can I deal with this? Please advise me.

{Lynn}