Why you need to consider your children’s feelings before getting back with your ex

When parents fight and separate more often than not, children are forgotten and they are simply expected to fall in place with whatever and wherever they find themselves, after the dust settles. And just when they are starting to get used to the new normal, probably spending time with one parent during the weekend no questions asked, their parents are getting back together again. 

Although parents assume children do not notice these changes or simply don’t deserve an explanation, children actually have feelings and are more hurt and affected by these abrupt changes. Some of these changes can make children have insecurities that could have a long term effect into their adult life. Here are things you can consider before getting back with your spouse when children are involved: 

Take it slow

Obviously the number one question on your mind is whether this time it will last or whether your partner plans on taking things seriously. Do not be in a hurry to move back in together, there will be plenty of time for that once you are sure about each other. Taking it slow will give your children time to adjust to the new normal slowly and in the process you could know how they feel or what they think about the decision. 

Don’t just bombard them with the good news about their daddy or mummy coming home, whether they are positive about the news as a parent it is your duty to guard their emotions from heartbreak and disappointment. 

See a therapist

When you think things might be getting serious and you don’t feel you are strong enough emotionally to see the whole process through, consider going to couples therapy. A therapist is not affiliated to any of you and will help give an unbiased opinion. Furthermore, they will help give perspective on how you should handle yourselves after separation into the new phase.

A therapist will also help you on how you can break the news to your children without arousing unnecessary emotions. This transition is going to be very important in your child’s life, they could come back with fear of separation or constant fights and as a parent you will need more than just cheap talk to dispel this fear.

Talk to your children

As established before, do not just bombard your children with the news that your partner could be moving back in. They could be excited by the news but this doesn’t mean they won’t experience a myriad of other emotions. It might be a bittersweet feeling for them, happy the family will be back but still worried if they are safe from all the drama once and for all. 

Talk to your children and let them express themselves honestly about what they feel so you can subtly address their fears with your partner. Also be high alert in case they start adopting new habits or regressing to older ones, consider taking them to a family or therapist for help.

Inform their teachers

Children spend a lot of time in school than at home and in order to truly be sure they are handling the transition well, involve their teachers. Their teachers will be able to assess how they are handling the whole change through their performance and participation in class. 

Also when children are stressed they tend to withdraw, it would be good for their teachers to know and stay extra attuned with the change or give them a listening ear. If you are lucky they might be more free with their teachers and you can actually know what they think and how they feel.