Shylocks console Kenyans who live beyond their means, invite them to take soft loans

The Council of Shylocks has sent out a heartfelt consolation message to Kenyans who live beyond their means, and particularly those who overspent on Christmas festivities. They have sent out an appeal to the cash-strapped Kenyans, urging them to break the habit of last-minute rushes and avoid waiting for the later stages of the month to apply for short-term loans. This is to avoid overwhelming the shylocks and their already stretched resources with many requests coming all at the same time.

“To be honest we always have manpower shortages in the customer service department since most of our workforce is disproportionately assigned to the Loan Repayment Enforcement Unit ... er ... goons in other words ...” said the chairman of the Council of Shylocks who was speaking at the end of a two-week long workshop meant to lay strategies for the new year.

The shylocks, who are the biggest employers of heavily-built men with mean faces and spine-chilling scars, also took the opportunity to remind Kenyans that their conditions for giving loans are relaxed and not as stringent as their competitors — banks.

“We won’t place too many conditions on your borrowing ... we really don’t care about your credit score or rating and we won’t ask for your details from the credit reference bureaus ... all we need to know is where you live ... and our friendly Loan Repayment Enforcement Unit will take care of the rest,” said the CoS chair with a sheepish grin on his face.

Come one, come all

Noting that seeking a loan from a shylock can be somewhat embarrassing especially for those led to it by financial indiscipline, the shylocks promised not to judge.

“Come one, come all. No one should feel bad seeking our help ... in fact January is named after the Greek god of liquidity problems ... so there’s no shame and don’t get depressed, thinking you have a spending problem ... actually it’s a sign of creativity! Ever noticed that the people who live within their means are actually the boring types who lack an imagination? Be grateful you were not born a miser!” argued the CoS chair, leaving his audience in stitches.

The CoS chair also seized the chance to preach forgiveness and clarify they bore no ill feelings towards Kenyans who had flirted with mobile networks and banks offering soft loans.

“This is the time to forgive and forget, we welcome them all back ... we have no hard feelings, just soft loan,” the chairman of shylocks said.

The shylocks also appeared thankful for the excessive consumerist culture that is taking root and which is leading many people to live beyond their means. They called on people to continue showing off their luxury items, exotic holiday destinations, Aston Martins and so on regardless of how they were earned in order to continue watering the tree of materialism.

Extravagant spending

“By now you know this economy was built on extravagant spending ... and mindless competition ... if you have no Joneses you are trying to keep up with, maybe it’s time you changed neighbourhoods,” advised the CoS chair, adding: “It doesn’t matter if the Joneses are tenderpreneurs and you are just an honest law-abiding citizen!”

The shylocks also announced that they would soon be holding a burning ceremony for books, magazines and articles focusing on personal finance calling some of the ideas being peddled alien and unAfrican.

“Some of these ideas are unworkable in our African culture... we must not let our African culture of kindness and living for today be spoilt by these killjoys ... You can be sure anyone who calls themselves a personal finance expert was weaned off the breast prematurely,” the CoS chair observed before adding that the personal financial consultants will have themselves to blame if they try as much as to advertise their services and courses especially in January.

“You cannot poke a sleeping lion in the ribs and expect to live to see your grandchildren,” warned the Council of Shylocks.