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Confessions: "His baby mama drama is killing our relationship"

Marriage Advice

I am in a serious relationship with this man who is good, loving and caring to me. Several years before we got together, he got a child with another lady but they broke up and she moved on eventually getting married to another man. The problem is that she has denied him any form of contact with his daughter despite the fact that she keeps demanding money from him for her upkeep. Hardly 2 weeks go by before she starts calling him every 20 minutes asking for money for this and that but she has never even let him get close to his daughter who is now 7 years old. This is stressing him almost into a depression and by affecting him it is also affecting our relationship. I want to help him out but I don’t know how. Please advice...

Angela

 

What the readers say:

Angela, has your husband done the necessary groundwork to ascertain if he is actually documented to be the real father of the child? She may be playing games on him and capitalising on his ignorance. For him, he may be investing money in a dark hole o a child that may not even concern him. You may also encourage him to demand to meet the woman and her husband so he could demand custody of his daughter.-Winnie Kariuki

I suspect your problem could be either simpler or deeper than you imagine. On matters children and their custody rights, the law is very clear and your man can get legal advice, even for free, on his bounds and how to access his daughter. As for now concentrate on real issues, like your man's honesty, love and care.- Tasma Saka

Angela, these are things that happen. Females are known to be schemers. As for this lady, she literally sat down and crafted all these to get is money, but wait a bit. What the law say about paternity and upkeep? This is a matter that should be addressed with immediacy it deserves. She is reaping from two men over the same child. Encourage him to stand up for himself and seek proper direction. Continue supporting him during this moment of trials, give him a comfort zone to help ease the burden caused by the tension.- Ouma Ragumo

 

Your husband needs all the support you can give him during this trying time. He needs to take action by seeking legally accorded visitation rights to see his daughter. He could report the matter to the Sub County children officer in the area near to him and he will get the necessary advice. He may even file a case seeking not only custody but full visitation rights to his child. This will put her where she belongs so that she may choose to either keep her marriage or the girl.- Onyango Outha

 

Simon says:

Angela, you are doing a good thing by seeking help for your husband on an issue that pertains what is typically your step-daughter. Most women I know would be popping the champagne and saying a thanks giving prayer every night at this. You have observed that this matter is bothering him and it is good that you are taking action before he slips into a depression.

My initial thoughts when I read your issue was that there could be more that is going on than meets the eye on this one. I believe there is a reason why this other woman has denied your fiancée visitation rights to his daughter. There could be a possibility that the other man has no idea that the girl has a father (who is not him) or that he accepted her as she was i.e. with a child from another man and took full responsibility for which she wouldn’t have to seek support from the girl’s father. I believe the second reason could be closer to reality than we may imagine.

There is no justification as to why she would stubbornly and after every two weeks call him demanding for money yet deny him a chance to see his child for 7years. This matter requires stern action that will either get him what he wants (visitation rights) or put the truth on the table. Your husband should make a threat to seek the children’s courts intervention to have visitation rights as well as to determine a framework in which the child would be supported. If we are right in our thinking, you will never hear from her again. My instinct tells me that her husband supports the child fully and she only uses this to extort money from him for personal uses.

 The other approach is to get your husband to inform her that he wants to meet her current husband to discuss a few things. If we are right, she will run like crazy and keep her mouth shut to avoid spilling the flour on her current marriage. As a matter of fact, he needs to cut out any financial or other support he is providing for his daughter and demand that his terms of the bargain be met. He can stubbornly refuse to pick her calls and use text messaging fir any communication henceforth. In the different scenarios, all possible outcomes would be in his favor so there is no reason to hesitate in pursuing them. She either comes clean on the things she may have been hiding or grants him his wishes to see his daughter. It may also be wise for him to carry out some due diligence and find out who is the registered father of the child. -Simon is relationship counselor

BOKE SAYS

First I must commend you for acting both maturely and responsible on this matter.  Although two parents cannot be forced to live together, the welfare of the child or children should not be overlooked. Every child has a right to parental care, unless there is evidence that, that parent could put the child in harms way.

Bringing up a child takes more than just providing for that child. As a father your husband seems to be playing his provision role well but the mother of the child seem to be manipulative. Probably for her own gain or as a way to punish your hubby.

 

We may not know the circumstances under which they broke up. From the look of things this lady is still bitter, even after she seems to have moved on. Some women have unwisely used the children to settle their scores with the father of their children. Especially when the fathers appear to be concerned with the welfare of their children. It is so unfortunate how adults can be so blinded with revenge that they cease to see the possible pain they are causing the children.

Clearly the dialogue way may not be possible for him and the baby mama. You could encourage him to talk to a family lawyer and seek legal redress on this matter. I believe he could get visitation rights. Talk to your husband about this and encourage him to explore it. All is not lost. Depression will just complicate things in his life and family.

You could start first by talking to a Children's Officer near you. They can be found in your Sub country office. Am sure they will enlighten you more in terms of the due process to follow.

Hilda Boke Mahare has a background in Counselling Psychology and loves to share her knowledge in matters of life and relationships.

 

 

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