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I'm an emotional wreck without my wife

Marriage Advice
 Photo; Courtesy

I had been married for about eight years until last year when my wife and I separated. Before the separation, we had many fights and in most instances accused each other of infidelity which at one point led to a big fight and this led to our separation. She works in Baringo and I am in West Pokot and she has evaded all my efforts to reconcile with her. She does not want to see me and has relocated our two children to a place I don’t know. I love her very much but I am really suffering because of this. Living without them has really affected me and I am suffering inside. How can I get her to meet me and discuss this matter? I don’t understand why she is behaving like this but I know that I really want them back. Please help....{Tobias}


Your Take:

Tobias, eight years of marriage is quite an achievement but you also ought to realize that marriage requires a lot of patience and compromise. The hard stands that people take in marriages are what lead to broken marriages.

People should accept if there is a prevailing problem. This includes accepting all mistakes because to err is human and accepting mistakes does not mean that you are weak.

 If there was infidelity discuss it and iron things out. Suspicions will always be there but people sort things out amicably when they talk.

{Evelyn Kabaki}

Dear brother, you may try to reach her through other people if she has refused to meet you. Friends, relatives and close family members can do that.

She is acting out of anger but the fact remains that separation is not divorce and she is still your wife. She will come back soon but take heart because for every problem there is an existing solution.

{Ouma Ragumo – Sifuyo}

You have just as much right to see your children as she has to keep them. There is no law that prevents you interacting, having time or talking to your children just because you are separated.

 I advise you to go to a children’s court and file a case against your wife for partial custody or visitation rights over the children. Once you get this, look for another woman to marry and forget about the mother of your children unless you want to fight till your death.

{Onyango Outha - Jauduny}

Tobias, use her best friends to reach and convince her to talk this out with you and build this vital bridge. She behaves so because you have refused to make her have confidence in you.

 Once you get the opportunity to talk to her, no blame game, be very honest and make her see that you really want her back, without betraying the weak point in you, which she may want to exploit in some other time in future.

{Tasma Charles}

This is a rather complicated situation. You need to look for someone who can do the mediation. Try talking to a parent or a close relative who can talk to her and seek the re-union. Meanwhile, seek counselling. It will really help.

{Calvin Queens}


Counselor’s Take:

Tobias, in my thinking and based on your explanation, your estranged wife is trying to get back at you for her emotional distress. In times of separation each of the partners believes that their partner is to blame for all their troubles.

This leads to a gradual buildup of bitter emotions that just like an active volcano will have to erupt at some point in their life. This eruption of the underlying emotions starts off the process of healing. When the emotions build up to unbearable levels people to or are led to separation.

While each one of the parties blames the other for their distress, separation is usually one sided generally initiated by one of the parties with the aim of getting back at the other.

Separation or eventual divorce is often harder on women than it is for men even in instances where it is initiated by them. Remember, the aim in such instances is to punish the other person severely in an attempt to get back at them.

This also explains why she took the most valuable things in your life, the children and why she will not let you see them. Her aim is to ensure that you are hurting just as much if not more than she is and what better way to do this than by keeping the little angels away from you.

So how can you resolve this? First, you need to acknowledge that this situation is polarized and therefore the dialogue channel (especially between the two of you) will not work.

An intermediary is better placed to handle this and this should be someone who is able to empathize with her at first then slowly calm her down also making her appreciate that she is as much to blame for this as you are.

 When people realize that they have a role to play in resolving things they come around and with time are ready to talk. Dialogue is the most effective tool and it is bound to bring you good results.

However, this needs time and patience for both parties to come around. Remember, the mediator has to do it right as well because failure to do this will get things even worse off than they already are.

However, there are instances where dialogue may fail even if done in the right way and this could only prove that either she is really done with you or she just wants to be difficult.

 This may necessitate a change of tact but this I would rather discuss if the reasonable and sober channel of dialogue totally fails. Remember she is human and as such, due consideration for her feelings and concerns should be observed to get her to be receptive to your attempts. {Taurus}

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