In need of sexual healing? Let's ask the experts

In need of sexual healing? (Photo: iStock)

Sex is such an integral part of our lives, but where do we go when we have a question or a problem?

This might be a question on sexual dysfunctions, intimacy problems with your partner, physical, biological and medical sexual problems like pain during intimacy, psychological sex problems caused by depression, problems caused by social and lifestyle issues like alcoholism lowering libido or you just want to enjoy sex again.

This is where sexologists and sexual medicine practitioners come in. Who are these individuals who have dedicated their lives to the study, understanding and helping us in all matters of sex? The analysis of sex dates back to ancient times where Greek philosophers researched remedies for sexual malfunctions, and studied sex education, sexual behaviours in humans and reproduction.

The revolution of the study of sexual medicine and human sexuality has undergone a gradual significant improvement. Sexologists focus on the psychological aspects while sexual medicine practitioners focus more on medical interventions, for example, they prescribe medicine, prescribe procedures including medical procedures and so much more.

Maurice Matheka is a well-known sexologist. His background is in Gender Psychology and mainly focuses on female pleasure. He went to school in the United Kingdom to study IT and management but found sexology.

“It was boring, sexology was different. I did not know sexology existed, so when I found it I was intrigued and I was like ‘No one else in Africa is studying this so I will do it,” Maurice says.

Maurice has been in the business for 21 years and has had clients from all over the world.

“Most of my clients are between 45 and 55, though I have taught a woman who was 69 years old. I do get women in their 20s but not that many,” he says.

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Maurice says when women are younger, they are in a love bubble and do not realise love and sex are not connected.

“Love is a useless ingredient when it comes to sex. By by the time they come to me, they want to understand their sexuality,” says Maurice.

He says a part of sexuality that people do not share is the fact that it does not matter how attractive you are.

“If I struggle to enjoy my sexuality with you I will avoid it. And those are things that people do not tell each other. We fall into this gap, that all is well since we are in, which is not a true compliment when it comes to sensual matters,” Maurice says.

Women are open and allow themselves to be vulnerable with Maurice.

When asked why he thinks women discuss intimacy issues with strangers instead of the people close to them such as their husbands and boyfriends, he says it is psychologically easy for women to associate with a stranger in disclosure issues as there is vulnerability when doing so to people close to them. They are afraid of being judged.

He says women rarely let their partners know that they are visiting a sexologist. This is out of the fear that their partners would question them and create tension in their union.

“We live in a closed-off society. We do not like sharing things with people close to us, but we can share anything with strangers. I find that among most of my clients,” Maurice says.

But how does this emotionally-driven career affect his social and family life? Does he ever get attached to any of his clients? Maurice says his relationship with his clients is purely professional and that it does not take anything out of his emotional – sexual – being.

A father of two, he says sexologists understand their line of duty and just like any other medical career where interaction between a medic and a client is private and personal, his duty as a sexologist remains professional and confidential.

“I have a woman in my life. I have two children from two separate women. My children understand my line of work, the main reason being we have not been conservative. In my 20 years of practice, I have met every problem there is that women can share on their sexuality and problems they have encountered, either individually or in their affairs with their male friends and partners.

“Women are open and will always want to share the truth and get solutions to real-life problems. Men will be shocked to know what women hide from them that they end up disclosing to gynaecologists or sexologists,” he says.

He says sexologists should not be misunderstood as theirs is a profession like any other.

“When a woman is seeking sensual counselling, it does not mean she is being unfaithful to her partner. She is only seeking advice to better her relationship.

“For the older ones, naturally, the human body functions slow down on some functions at a particular age and that is why it is good to seek guidance from a professional perspective rather than living a miserable life when it comes to matters of desire,” he says.

Professor Joachim Osur is a doctor who has specialised in sexual medicine.

Sexual health problems fall under his purview, including physical and biological issues.

For example, women who have undergone FGM may end up experiencing sexual pain and psychological problems. You might have a medical problem like diabetes or cancer and due to the stress and worry, affecting your sex life.

“You may be surprised that some people come to see us because they are getting exposed to sex for the first time on their honeymoon and they do not know what to do because of their religion or culture. They were never taught anything so they are clueless,” he says.

Joachim has trained in both sexual medicine and sexual therapy.

“As a sexual medicine doctor, I may work with a sexologist, a family therapist or a gym instructor to help manage your weight and general health,” he says.

People assuming sexologists get intimately involved with their clients is one problem Joachim and his colleagues face. He says there have been instances where female clients have wondered loudly whether he will remember what he sees when they they have an appointment with him.

He says it is natural for a client to wonder and have questions, adding that every detail in any appointment falls under doctor-patient confidentiality.

“You are trained to see your patient as a patient, nothing beyond that. That is the first rule. Besides, in this undertaking, you deal with as many clients as you can imagine and that tells you it is almost impossible to keep count or memory of any as there is no room for attachment. We are trained to remove ourselves from the situation and not be emotionally part of the problem facing a client.”

He says his family has never had an issue understanding his job.

“My family understands that this is a profession like any other and that we keep it professional. When at work, it is not an emotional engagement and my partner understands that.

“This happens with every doctor and not just sexual medicine doctors because they will see you naked, touch you as they examine you but that touch is that of an examiner and is very specific,” he says.

Eudiah Kamonjo, a sexologist and author of Black Coffee & Steamy Nights - a poetry collection on sensuality, first worked as an assistant to a male sex therapist in Kenya where she learnt on the job.

You will find Eudiah at bridal showers or private sessions with couples. These are avenues where she offers talk therapy and practical sessions depending on the issues her clients have.

“Coming into this, every weekend for me was all about learning and listening. You can imagine how much you learn from about 15 to 30 people in each sitting. I also did lots of reading and research, something I still do,” she says.

The sexologist studies a lot, does research and wants to take her expertise to another level.

“My interest remains in the intersectionality of art and sexuality. In a balanced world, art and sexuality coexist, and there is none without the other.”

“Having not studied sexual medicine, there are issues that are best left to medical doctors. I refer such to the relevant doctors. Once this is complete, we can then proceed and focus on healing, prevention and lifestyle changes if need be,” says Eudiah.