Crazy claims made by crooks masquerading as prophets or pastors

It could be true that ours is a fool's paradise. Around here, almost everything is fake. Good Lord, some crooks even now have the nerve to masquerade as pastors or prophets. Just the other day, 'Prophet' David Ouwor boasted, taking credit for allegedly having resurrected a dead woman in West Pokot. Rosa Rotirakori from Cheparten village, South Pokot sub-county, was reported to have collapsed and died last Wednesday night, following a month-long illness.

She, reportedly resurrected two hours after her husband received a three-word "miracle text message" from self-proclaimed prophet to whom he had reported the death and asked for a resurrection miracle. Interestingly, the death was only confirmed by her husband and daughter. There was no medical report to prove the death. When reached for comment, West Pokot medical superintendent, Jonathan Mukhola said it is impossible for a person to return to life more than five minutes after being confirmed dead.

A mammoth crowd of followers of the self-styled prophet poured on the streets of Nakuru Town two days later to celebrate the miracle after the news broke. They sang, danced and praised the alleged prophet as they waved twigs and placards. The resurrected woman's husband, Samson Rotirakori told press, "She became very weak. By midnight, her condition had worsened...she was unable to walk and experienced difficulties breathing before she died."

"My wife urinated before her last breath. I then covered her with a blanket. My daughter Levine Chesang was beside her. Her body was cold and stiff and her heart had stopped beating," Samason told press, adding that her daughter screamed and alerted neigbours of the death.

She apparently remained dead for close to two hours and, according to her husbands, it took the powers of prophet for her to return to life. "Immediately after I received a message from Owuor, saying 'It is well' she began coughing and sneezing back to life. She asked twice, 'who has brought me back?'," her husband told media. Doctor Mukhola said the woman could have fallen in a comma but she could not have died as reported.

But when you look around the world, people masquerading as men of God have said or done stuff that only fiction, drama or comedy is made of. South African countries seem to lead with fake pastors who make all manners of outrageous, comical or even silly pronouncements.

"I AM HEAVEN'S ADVISER AND GOD'S CONSULTANT..."

A Zimbabwean televangelist, 'Prophet' Talent Madungwe shocked many with the claim that he is God's special adviser and meets with the almighty on a regular basis to advise Him and help Him make decisions on how the world should be governed. The controversial preacher also told his congregation at a church service that he is God's number four after Jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit because he is the most righteous person in his country where he claimed a measly 60 people will go to heaven!

Prophet Madungwe was quoted as telling his members that he was with God recently where they had a lengthy discussion on what will happen to the world now that people sin left right and centre. When asked to show a proof of the meeting by way of photographs, he said it was not possible to have pictures with God.

"You can't have pictures of God, the cameras will not function," he said. "God told me that if all people repent, the world will come to an end in 300 years but if it is not the case, then it will be 100 years," he added.

"HERE ARE THE SELFIES I TOOK WHILE IN HEAVEN..."

Paseka Motsoeneng, a self-styled prophet from South African was early in the year mocked online after reportedly charging followers to view photos he allegedly took while in heaven. Motsoeneng claims a track record of amazing feats. As the leader of the Church of "Incredible Happenings", he's says he's healed people during sermons and even once claimed to deliver a fish from the womb of a pregnant woman.

But Motsoeneng, popularly known as "Saturn Slayer", may have gone a bit too far with the last Easter's boast. During last Easter church service, he claimed he had just arrived from heaven and he had pictorial evidence on his smartphone. Those eager to see photographic proof of the afterlife were required to open their wallets and part with a 'donation' of 5,000 rand (Sh40,000).

Motsoeneng claimed he was "captured" and flown to heaven by angels during an Easter Sunday service. "I was then taken for a tour around the magnificent cities of heaven. I even took pictures on my smart phone and came back down later that same day," he bragged. He went on to say that the pictures are available via WhatsApp for those who send him the small 'donation'.

"WE DRILLED A 10KM HOLE AND 'FOUND HELL'..."

If you thought this madness is a preserve of African crooks masquerading as preachers, think again. In 1989 a team of Russian evangelists claimed that they drilled a hole that was ten kilometres deep in an unnamed place in Siberia before breaking through into a cavity.

Intrigued by this unexpected discovery, they lowered an extremely heat tolerant microphone, along with other sensory equipment, into the well. They allegedly listened and recorded tormented screams of desperate people being tortured in 'hell'. The second surprise — wink, wink— was the high temperature that they said was hell fire!

The conclusion was that they had opened a hole into Hell. The story was first published in 1990 by the Finnish newspaper Ammennusatia, a journal published by a group of Christians from Finland. Soon, sound files—recordings of those alleged supplications from the damned — began appearing on various channels across the world.

"HIP HIP HOORAY! SATAN IS FINALLY DEAD, I KILLED HIM..."

So you thought you have heard enough of South Africa's 'prophet' Motsoeneng and his crazy pronouncements? Well, not long ago, he is the same guy who recently broke strange news, urging members of his church and mankind in general to celebrate a new dawn devoid of dark forces.

The alleged man of God boasted to his congregates that he had just returned from hell where he had assassinated Satan! The televangelist made the bizarre claim on his Facebook page. On a post that was later deleted after igniting controversy, the pastor claimed God sent him to hell to get rid of "world's number one enemy".

Hear him: "When I got to hell there was a queue of millions of people waiting to be wasted by Satan. I even saw some prominent South African politicians. I was so shocked because they lived like angels here on earth. When Satan saw me he panicked and directed his army to kill me. Like Samson in the Bible, I defeated them. Satan was my last victim."

Well, let's just say hell hath no fury like a pastor sent to hell! The post went down after an hour after he received loads of negative feedback from skeptic social media users.

"HELLO GOD... IT'S ME, PASTOR SANYANGORE, CAN WE HAVE A CHAT..."

A pastor, who claims he has a direct phone line to heaven, was recently filmed supposedly 'talking to God' on the phone during a church service at Victory World International church in Bulawayo, central Zimbabwe. Pastor Paul Sanyangore, 32, claims to have the Lord on speed dial and boldly boasted to the congregation that he chats with him.

"I have a direct channel, actually I have His number and I can call Him when the need arises. I got this (number) when I was praying and I heard a voice telling me to call direct," he bragged, before making as if to talk to God during a church service. He claims that he will make God's phone number available to the public "when the time is right". He then proceeded to make the divine call and put Him on speaker phone, where he shocked the congregation as he happily spoke with 'Papa God'.

"I AM GOD, TRUST ME, JESUS IS NOT COMING BACK..."

A 27-year-old church founder in Zimbabwe, Given Dube, caused outrage in February after he claimed that he is God and that Jesus is not coming back. Dube, who is the founder of Umuzi ka Nkulunkulu (House of god) Church in Pumula South, Zimbabwe, had told his members to address him only as God — something they have been doing since then!

"I am God and I plan. I just command and it happens. You also have to understand that I don't expect everyone to see me as their God, but they first have to accept the word and understand, so only church members recognise me as their God," he said.

You just can't make up this stuff. These are words from people, claiming to be pastors or even prophets and have huge crowds who patronize their churches. End times indeed. No?