Wash the dishes, clean the house then do it again! Are all stepparents evil? We explore the other side of the coin!

Stepparents have always had the reputation of being wicked and conniving. But is that always the case?

The tale of the evil stepparent is a familiar one. Children grow up being weaned on the fables of Cinderella and her evil stepmother who would overwork her till her hands were sore. There is also the tale of Snow White whose stepmother was so jealous of her beauty that she ordered for her to be killed. Folklores of stepparents who want nothing but misery for their stepchildren are so common that the mere mention of 'step mum' or 'stepdad' conjures up images of pain and torture meted on innocent children.

Even African literature is unforgiving to stepparents, branding them as malicious figures. This further reinforces the idea that stepparents are enemies who enter a home and destroy it.

Valarie Odhiambo 28, grew up reading and believing such narratives and when her biological father died when she was barely 10, she knew that her life would be filled with strife if her mum got remarried. So when it finally happened, young Valarie was filled with so much terror and foreboding.

Even though memories of her stepfather's entry into her life are fragmented and distant, she remembers struggling to accept him and being emotionally distant.

"I was young, but I don't think I gave him a very easy time," she says.

However, as years sped by, she realized that her stepfather was God sent. He not only stepped in and became the father figure she and her younger brother needed at that time, but also nudged them towards fulfilling their potential and working hard for their dreams.

She says that by the time she was in high school, her father Erick Alwenge had become a permanent representation of fatherhood and unwavering love. "He had other children, but treated my brother and I as his own," she says.

Upon finishing high school, her mother succumbed to cancer, something that threw Valarie into depression.

"Everything around me seemed to be sinking, but my stepfather remained the only constant – the one person who helped me heal emotionally."

Right around the same time, she left home in Kaplong' to come to Nairobi to look for a job. She met a man, fell in love and they moved in together. Then she got pregnant and realized that things wouldn't work out between them. So she left. She now did not have a job, or a place to stay. She had not told anyone about her pregnancy as she was scared of the reaction she would get.

"It was a scary time. I have never felt so afraid. One day, I was crying and I just called my stepfather to tell him that everything around me was so messed up. I didn't know who else to turn to," she says.

At that time, her stepfather had remarried but was still in constant touch with her. He listened as his stepdaughter explained the situation, and told her something she says she will never forget.

"He said to me 'Come back home' words that I had been so desperate to hear," says Valarie.

Her stepparents supported her through every step of her journey. Even after she had delivered, they offered to stay home with her son as she returned to Nairobi to look for a job.

"Imagine that. People who had no obligation to me at all offered to help me. They were my stepparents, but treated me with so much kindness," she says.

She is forever grateful to them.

"They crushed the stereotype that stepparents are evil people who should be treated with contempt."

Her experience is echoed by 18-year-old Tracy Opon. Her stepmother Jackie Keya came into her life when she was just three years old, and has been there for her from childhood through to adulthood.

"There are many instances when I would shut out my stepmother, especially during early teenage years when my friends would remind me that Jackie was not my real mother."

However, time and experience has made their relationship better. She now looks at her stepmother as a supportive person who helps her when she feels like she cannot navigate through life successfully.

"The older I get, the more I realize that I need her," says Tracy. "Like recently, I went in for my first job interview. I was in jitters, and needed someone to calm me down. I called my step-mum and asked her what to do. I was shaking, but she guided me on what to say and kept encouraging me saying that everything would be okay," says Tracy.

Even though she did not get the job, she says the realization that there will always be someone to consult when she needs help was reassuring.

Her stepmother, Jackie Keya, initiated the Blended Family Network, an organization that supports and advises stepfamilies. She says that step parents are disadvantaged from the onset.

"The stories we have been told, and our socialization teaches us not to accept stepparents. Even though there are some stepparents who might be doing some bad things, we are always put under the same umbrella," she says.

She has five blended children, and describes parenting as a balancing act where she has to practice fairness and integrity in everything she does around them.

One of the biggest lessons step-parenting has taught her, is that a stepfamily requires a stronger marriage than a conventional nuclear family.

"Issues surrounding the children seep through and become marital problems," she says.

She advises stepparents to be patient with new stepchildren, since when adults make the decision to get married, the children are never consulted.

"They need time to adjust, and you have to understand that," says Jackie.

Catherine Kariuki laughs when she recalls the first time she met her step children.

It was about 10 years ago. Her eldest stepdaughter Michelle Kariuki was only 8 at the time, and Catherine likens the kids then to a small army on a mission to ensure that she did not get into the family.

"I always felt attacked. Nothing I did pleased them. I was desperate for them to like me, but they did not," says Catherine.

Things have since changed. She and her step children now regard each other as buddies who can talk about even the most complex issues.

It was however, a journey that required patience, learning and acceptance.

Michelle says that her stepmother has become her sounding board when she needs advice on challenges that young adults face.

"She is open-minded and sometimes when I am stressed, I talk to her. She always seems to know what to tell me," says Michelle.

She adds that when her stepmother came into their family after her parents separated, she immediately felt threatened.

"That is a feeling most stepchildren are confronted with as soon as a stepparent is introduced into the home. Ultimately, you realise that not all stepparents are evil. Some are actually nice, and you get to see it when you let them in," she says.

Michelle feels that if the society stopped weaving narratives that cast stepparents as horrible people, and highlighted cases where stepparents have come through for their children, stepchildren will have an easier time adjusting to the changing family dynamics.