Women - please learn the new rules of female friendship and how not to violate the 'girl code'

1. Never Hate A Woman You’ve Never Met.

I could not applaud the ­sentiment more. This is how things should be, and womankind, nay, society would be happier and healthier for it.

Unfortunately it will never work in real life though, and I can explain why in just two words. Gwyneth. Paltrow.

2. Never Leave An Inebriated Friend Alone At A Bar

But it’s fine to leave her somewhere else – like down a dark alley or on the central reservation of a motorway, say? OK, good. Just as long as she’s not left in a bar. One small query though – if she’s my friend, why am I leaving her anywhere?

3. Never Reveal Another Female’s Secret

The rest of the sentence – While She’s In Earshot – must have been accidentally deleted.

4. Never Invite A Friend’s Enemy To A Party

Yes. My friends’ enemies are my enemies (unless they’re also my friends) because I’m a dedicated grudge holder, and admire anyone else attempting to operate in this arena. Admittedly, it doesn’t go both ways – my enemies are not my friends’ enemies, but that’s only because not even I can keep track of everyone I’m currently feuding with, or why.

But yes, no way should any of them be invited to any parties ever, let alone mine. Although once again, I think I might have guessed this without being told.

5. Never Dine Alone With A Friend’s Boyfriend (unless it’s his last meal and he’s being shot at dawn).

What if your friend’s boyfriend is also your friend? What if your friend was meant to be joining you but has been delayed, and you and the boyfriend are both starving? What if we lived in a world where two people of the opposite sex could eat together and manage not to get off with each other?

But it’s easy to criticise someone else’s ideas, and harder to suggest my own New Rules Of Female Friendship. That won’t stop me, obviously.

I would have thought it’s as simple as: Always Treat Your Mates The Way You’d Like Your Mates To Treat You. Whatever Their Sex, ­Actually. The End. Oh, but that’s only one rule and it’s meant to be Rules, plural.

OK then, er, also Don’t Sleep With Married Men, Thou Shalt Not Kill and Always Remember To Breathe.

6. Never Date A Friend’s Ex

When the cast of Made In Chelsea can grasp a concept*, it probably doesn’t need to be spelled out in The New Rules Of Anything. Plus it’s so the opposite of New it’s probably the message being communicated by the first ever hieroglyphic.

I wonder why this qualified for the list but Don’t Sleep With Married Men, Thou Shalt Not Kill and Always Remember To Breathe didn’t make it?

*When I say the cast of Made In Chelsea grasp this concept, I don’t mean they pay any attention to it. They still all get off with their friends’ exes, but they probably have to, contractually, because otherwise there wouldn’t be any storylines.