Why does every "good guy" I date eventually feel like a red flag?

Hi Chris,

I’ve had some serious boyfriends, but each time I gradually grew suspicious of them all. I don’t think it’s because I’m choosing bad guys, so why do I have so much trouble with men?

Insecure

Chris says,

Hi Insecure!

All your boyfriends may have been terrible people, but since you don’t think you’re attracted to the bad guys, and some people really are, then it’s more likely that your problem’s caused by the way you experience relationships, rather than the guys you’re dating.

Most people enjoy being in a relationship, and are naturally warm and loving, good at communicating their feelings, easily become close to a new partner and are happy to start relying on one another. They don’t worry about spending time alone and feel comfortable with both intimacy and independence.

But others feel more anxious, and generally end up becoming clingy, insecure, jealous and needy. They worry if their partner doesn’t seem to be as close to them as they want, and become very sensitive to their moods. Especially anything that might suggest that they’re being unfaithful or thinking about moving on.

Which is probably what’s happening to you.

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You can avoid this happening in future by changing your dating strategy. For example, you’ll probably be happier talking casually to several guys at the same time to begin with, rather than putting all your eggs in one basket from the word go.

Because right now, you expect every male friend to let you down. So having several to choose from will reduce your anxiety. You should also be aiming to date guys who’re naturally warm and loving, and good at communicating their feelings. Because if you’re with someone who’s always supportive, you’ll gradually become more relaxed. If you’re with someone who’s also anxious about relationships, you’ll end up making each other worse.

So while you’re still at the ‘just talking’ stage, watch out for someone supportive and clearly prepared to be committed. Because once you’re with someone who feels really secure with you, then you’ll gradually become secure with them.

All the best,

Chris