How you treat your daughter will affect her love life

One of the greatest challenges faced by a girl is low self-esteem and several psychologists have explored this topic. Erick Erikson, a humanistic psychologist says there is plenty of room for continued growth and development throughout one’s life.

He lays emphasis on the developmental stage of identity/autonomy vs confusion, citing it as a crucial stage for developing a person’s identity.

It is at this stage that the young ones transition their path for integration of life skills and the abilities for individuals to function efficiently within their autonomous self.

Failure to successfully complete a stage can result in a reduced ability to complete further stages and therefore breed confusion an unhealthy personality and sense of self. When one does not have a good sense of their identity, they seek their relevance from significant others, mainly the opposite sex.

Girls are at greater risk of unplanned pregnancies as they seek their identity through validation of relationships. Unplanned pregnancies occur while girls are vulnerable, before the age of 20 when they are not ready to be mothers.

Last year, 3,000 girls in Kenya sat their secondary and primary examinations while expectant.

Studies indicate that there is a burning desire not only to find the self, but also to feel loved, accepted and valued. It is important that parents play their affirming roles at this point and help the young girl understand herself and find meaning to her existence.

It is at this stage that values, beliefs and traditions are ingrained. Family relationships are important, and meaningful relationships at home give a sense of security and comfort and a good sense of worth and value. This gives them power to make the right decisions.

Every parent should practice these tips:

1. Model body acceptance: Parents play a significant role in ensuring that their girls have a good body confidence. The remarks they make have a huge impact on their perception of self and consequently their self-esteem. Do not emphasise or discuss areas of sensitivity without her permission.

2. Be her mentor: Every girl is looking up to her mother, to understand about vital things about simply being a girl. Be generous with information and find the right opportunities to talk about them.

Whatever you do don’t bring her ego down by challenging her at the wrong places and particularly in the presence of her friends. She needs a mentor, and her mother makes the best of them all.

Do not hesitate to talk about boys. They matter and teaching her how to relate with them appropriately makes all the difference when the opportunity presents itself.

3. Teach her to stand up for herself: Encourage your girl to stand up for herself. Opinions may vary but your girl should manage to stand on what she believes in. It is strength and not a weakness to manage to say No to what she does not want to participate in.

Teach her that it’s OK to say No and Yes when it is appropriate. She should not engage with company that does not edify her simply for the sake of conforming.

4. Let her know how much she matters to you: Your girl needs to know that you love her, no matter the circumstances. She needs to feel secure in the spaces that you have provided for her. It is therefore in order to affirm her, appreciate her and acknowledge her.

The writer is a relationship coach and author, Marriage Built to Last. You can reach her on www.jenniekarina.co.ke