Living again after grey divorce

The house is quiet, the children are grown and probably gone by now, you look across the table at the person you’ve known for…well, your entire adult life. With decades of shared memories, whispered dreams, maybe even a business built from the ground up in between.

Then, somewhere past 50, something changes, a subtle shift, things no longer feel the same. This quiet upheaval is what we call a ‘grey divorce’ and it’s shifting the landscape of many families behind closed doors.

At first, you might assume this is just a foreign concept but then you start to notice trends shifting. Life expectancy is up, women are gaining more financial independence and people are realising they don’t have to stay in marriages that no longer serve them.

You might hear hushed conversations in market places, on the office corridors or see it happen among your own family; long-time couples, suddenly going their separate ways. In some parts of the world, like the US, the number of mature couples undergoing divorce has more than doubled since the 1990s. The figures are harder to come by for Kenya, but the situation isn’t much diferent.

Hellen Achieng’, a 52-year-old teacher, now two years into her divorce never imagined she would be starting over after 24 years of marriage. Even though she grapples with loneliness, she stays positive in her new journey.

“We were like two peas in a pod, the perfect couple,” she reflects, her voice tinged with a blend of sadness and resolve. “We weren’t fighting, no, but I had been unhappy for a long time. Conversations became shallow and nonexistent. We were comfortable, yes, but somehow we grew further apart. Our journey together was slowly coming to an end.”

The rug was pulled out from under Grace Akumu, 49, a woman whose life had been defined by her role as a homemaker. She claims she was blindsided and the divorce was a brutal awakening, the painful aftermath of her husband’s infidelity. And now, starting over feels like assembling a puzzle with a missing piece. “It was the complete betrayal, giving up everything we had built together for 20 years for a younger woman! I gave everything to this marriage, to building our family, to supporting his career. I was the rock, the steady hand. Now, I have to rediscover who I am without him and get a job to support myself. Where do I begin to pick the pieces?” she says, her voice a blend of anger and despair. Ending a marriage at any age is tough, but when you’ve been together for so long, it’s a whole different ballgame. You’ve probably got a house, a shamba, retirement savings, even investments all tangled together.

Dividing it all up is a headache and this can be a sobering experience, especially with retirement looming on the horizon. At 58, Eric Kale’s meticulous retirement plan came crashing down when his wife asked for some time apart, leaving him adrift at the cusp of a new chapter.

.

Keep Reading

• When love fades: Signs it's time to leave your marriage
• My disorganised evenings are messing up our sleep schedules
• I'm scared of messing up my marriage, again
• Learn from mistakes to strengthen your marriage

“It’s been two years now and this isn’t the life I envisioned at all. I honestly thought we were happy,” he laments, his voice laced with disappointment. “I thought we would grow old together under the same roof and travel the world once I retired; that was always the plan. At my advanced age, I was compelled to move out of our family home into a rental. Despite everything, I am hoping this is a temporary phase, we can laugh about someday.”

After so many years, divorce isn’t just the loss of a partner; it’s the loss of a shared identity and the accompanying loneliness, shame, and fear of judgment are amplified. Grace Akumu, like many others, felt the sting of social scrutiny.

“I was forced to move to a different town. We used to live in a closely knit community and I couldn’t bear the unspoken blame and judgment. My children should not bear the burden of my choices,” Grace explains.

When it comes to children, whether grown or independent, divorce will be surprising, even upsetting. You’ve been together their whole lives, and suddenly everything’s changing.

And what about the grandchildren? It can be confusing for them too. Family gatherings and holidays once familiar and comforting transform into complex emotionally charged events.

United Nations Children’s Fund (UNICEF) emphasises that in divorce situations, the child’s best interests take precedence. Every decision should prioritise the child’s physical, emotional, and psychological well-being.

It further advocates that the child’s views and feelings should be considered in decisions that affect them, taking into account their age and maturity. This entails providing a safe space for them to express their thoughts and seeking professional help for those struggling with the transition is also encouraged. “My children are all grown with the last born joining campus soon but still they don’t understand why I had to move out. It’s been a delicate dance, explaining why we separated and that I had no other family or had cheated on their mother, whom I still love very much.” Kale revealed, his affection for his estranged wife evident.

“Even though my children are old enough to understand, acceptance is another matter. They still hold on to some shred of hope that we will get back together and we’ve encouraged therapy for them to help process the whole thing,” says Grace Akumu.

Psychologist Eve Waruingi says couples must give themselves space and time to grieve. You’re not just losing a partner; you’re losing a shared history, a future you envisioned.

“Acknowledge the sadness, the anger, the confusion. Don’t suppress these emotions; they need to be processed to move forward. Also, do not go through this phase alone; rebuild your social support system. Join social groups, reconnect with old friends and explore new hobbies,” says Waruingi.

She further explains that health can take a hit, too. The stress of divorce can really wear you down; the financial implications and loneliness can be a real problem, especially as you get older.

“Consider this a transition, not a failure. Forgive your partner and forgive yourself too. It is important to remember that relationships change and sometimes end. The important part is how you move forward. You have the opportunity to create a new and meaningful life,” says Waruingi.

Also, rebuilding your identity after decades of being part of a ‘we’ takes time. Start by rediscovering your passions and interests. What brings you joy? What did you enjoy before marriage? Explore those avenues. Consider journaling, art therapy, or even simply spending time in nature to reconnect with yourself.

Remember, healing is a process, not an event. Finances are a significant concern in grey divorce too, seek professional financial advice to create a realistic budget and plan for your future.

Then, there’s the whole idea of dating again. In a society that shuns dating at an advanced age, re-entering the dating scene can be a daunting task. Many, therefore, resign themselves to a single life.

“Dating in your 50s is not the same as when you were younger; be patient with yourself. Do not be in a hurry to replace your partner or recreate your past life. You are starting a fresh with new expectations and goals,” Waruingi cautions.

She stresses that healing and self-discovery should precede dating.

“First, rediscover who you are, build friendships, spend time with family, consider getting a pet or better, see a therapist. The biggest mistake you can make is believing you go through this phase alone.” Ms Waruingi says.

It’s not easy, but it’s possible to build a happy and fulfilling life after a grey divorce. It’s about finding your path, rediscovering yourself and creating a new kind of happiness.