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Help! I can’t go beyond one round in bed and I’m failing my woman

Between The Sheets

Dear Eve, I have lately been failing my lady, how come I can’t go beyond one round?


Dear Joseph,

Thank you for asking that question. However, I am unclear as to what you mean by beyond one round. I mean, how many rounds would be ideal for you? I ask that question so as to make a point: be careful about putting so much pressure on yourself based on an arbitrary idea. Too many people equate sexual frequency with sexual satisfaction but the reality is that having “many rounds” of sex does not necessarily equate to a sexually satisfied partner. Sex in itself doesn’t require one round or 10 rounds to be beautiful and fulfilling. That said, let’s talk about some reasons why a man may experience changes in his sexual performance.

One such reason would be a change in weight. If you have recently added or lost significant weight, this can directly affect your stamina. The thing with sudden weight gain or weight loss is that it rarely happens in a vacuum so if this is the case, please address the root cause of the weight loss or gain. Let me suggest that you visit a medical doctor.

Another reason could be a change in your physical health. Could there have been a recent change in your physical health? Are you finding yourself easily out of breath? Have you had your blood pressure, blood sugar and/or cholesterol checked? Are you struggling to perform tasks that were easier to perform before? This information is crucial because diseases such as diabetes, heart disease and high blood pressure commonly present themselves in a man’s sexual drive and performance first. In other words, you are likely to notice a shift in your sexual stamina before noticing that something could be physically wrong with your body. Again, if any of this rings true, please visit a doctor for proper evaluation.

Yet another reason for diminished sexual performance could be stress. I often get the feeling that people - and especially men - too often overlook the massive impact of stress on their sexual performance. As I often say, your brain is your biggest and best sexual organ. Keeping in mind that your brain is your biggest and best sex organ, I hope you can see that anything depleting that most important resource source of your brain’s energy is also bound to deplete your sexual energy and performance. To this end, it is crucial to minimise and eliminate as much stress as you can from your day to day life. A good place to begin is to look at what makes you truly happy and fulfilled and then to begin doing it.

Another way to approach it is to question yourself on what has been getting in the way of you doing the things that make you feel happy and personally/sexually fulfilled. This knowledge will act as a guide into how you can begin to eliminate or balance the stressors in your life and relationship.

Speaking of relationships, how is yours with your partner? Do you feel secure? Happy? Loved? Do you feel that there is room for you to contribute to your partners wants and needs? The truth is, when we feel constricted and limited in our day-to-day lives with our partners, it tends to show up in our sexual performance. In that case, work on strengthening your relationship from the inside out. In other words, the best relationships are between friends so work to strengthen the friendship between you and your partner. No matter your challenges, try to remember that the other person - your partner - is, ultimately, your friend. When we prioritise such thoughts, they help us temper our tongues and attitudes during difficult moments. My advice? Take stock of your life and try to identify possible stressors - positive or negative - so you can deal with them from a place of knowledge and insight.

Dear Joseph, those are just a few suggestions of areas that you can look into. My hope is that you use them as inspiration for your internal and external assessment. However, should you still find yourself at a loss as to what could be affecting your sex life, I highly recommend that you see a professional, be it mental health or physical health. Let me only add that “many rounds” is hardly a worthy goal because very often, “quality” sex supersedes “quantity sex” so make it a point to enjoy the sex that you’re having, based on quality instead of quantity. I wish you all the very best (sex!)

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