The work spouse: Platonic partnership or cheating?

Mark Wambua* and Diane Mukami both worked at a busy organisation in Nairobi that focused on climate adaptation projects around the country. In time, they were assigned to arrange and conduct community workshops in the Rift Valley. The task involved long hours of planning, constant travel, late-night report writing, and spending more time together than they did with their actual partners.

Soon, deadlines piled up and brought more pressure to both workers. Mukami began confiding more in Wambua about her stressful moments, while Wambua too gushed out his frustrations about his challenges balancing work with his personal life. They quickly became each other’s sounding board.

Soon, colleagues joked about how the two were inseparable, even teasing them as “office husband and wife” as much as the two stated their “closeness” had nothing to do with romance.

Welcome to the era of the “work spouse”, defined by Psychology Today as a “special, platonic friendship between colleagues, marked by trust, loyalty, honesty, respect, and emotional closeness” which is often spurred on by workplace initiatives and long hours spent together.

A number of definitions show that such relationships are devoid of romantic implications but are more intense than other workplace friendships. With time though, the line between such platonic relationships and romance becomes ever thinner.

Interestingly, the issue of office ‘wife’ or ‘husband’ has been debated for decades, even featuring in Hollywood movies such as the 1930 Warner Brothers production, The Office Wife. It featured a publisher and his secretary who was said to spend “more time with him and makes more decisions than a wife would for her husband”. The on-screen relationship ended in divorce for the parties involved.

Of course, not every office relationship ends in severing ties between the actual couples. In fact, some single ones who paired up at work have gone ahead to tie the knot, and some still work for the same companies.

Among the best-known couples that met at work include Bill and Melinda Gates. Bill had started Microsoft in 1975 and Melinda joined later and worked at the product development department. In a 2019 Netflix series, Melinda said there were many men at the company but zeroed in on Bill.

In 1987, the two started an affair that culminated in the two tying the knot on January 1, 1994. “When we first met, she had other boyfriends, and I had Microsoft,” Bill said in the documentary.

The case of Bill and Melinda’s office romance was revisited in a September 2024 ruling here in Kenya when Justice James Rika of the Employment and Labour Relations Court declared that any company policies that prohibit office romance are null and void since no human can restrict love.

The case arose when a manager in a security company was dismissed for starting a love affair with his junior in what the judge stated was akin to policing heart to heart relationships.

 “It is a harebrained law or policy that would seek to outlaw the affairs of the heart. Employers must leave Bill and Melinda Gates within their undertakings to grow and to find themselves in each other, while they continue to be productive to the business,” the judge said before awarding the manager Sh3.2 million in damages.

Again, not all work spouses end up as romantic heartthrobs but their very close association may bring trust issues especially given the sense of comfort from workplace conveniences.

In the workplace, such ‘couples’ do coffee breaks together, take strolls together before and after lunch, and if their workstation supports recreational facilities, such ones end up working out together or engaging in extended worship sessions, each ‘prayer partner’ becoming more aware of the other’s vulnerabilities.

“I never intended to leave my wife for my workplace friend,” says Wambua in a phone interview. “But I almost did as time went by. My friend gave a listening ear to my numerous vexations about life including relationship issues. I was happy when the project ended and I left that organisation.”

James Brien, a divorce specialist says such work-based relationships create more misunderstandings than the issues they try to espouse, adding that most are construed for sexual relationships, leading to office gossip, stigma and negative undertones.

“The shared lunches or venting about work can quickly become an intimate relationship that rivals the emotional support someone might get from their real-life partner,” says Brien. “Shared experiences, workloads, and even office banter create relationships that can sometimes feel more understanding than a partner at home.”

Granted, it is not humanly possible to prevent workplace interactions between members of the opposite sex. In any case, healthy work relationships create a productive atmosphere. However, it would be prudent to set boundaries and let a co-worker who seems to get close know of such boundaries before any such interactions are interpreted as sexual harassment.

“Understanding and adhering to these boundaries is crucial for all employees, including those who may be unfamiliar with or inexperienced in navigating professional interactions with the opposite gender,” writes Muhammad Moatassim, a chartered accountant.

George Maina, 61, says while coupling in the office has certain advantages including close work collaboration, one should be careful if either party is married or is in a serious relationship. In the era of instant phone messaging, the wrong impression can be sent to one of the work couple’s real partners with devastating results.

He says such wrong assumptions have led to the real partner storming a workplace and confronting the two workers who innocently state that “we are just friends but the damage is already done in terms of reputation”.

He says: “Such relationships should be treated like enjoying a campfire. You get around the fire and you get warm. You get too close and you get burnt.”