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Confessions: My friends hate that I’m dating a married man

Readers Lounge - By Simon and Boke | April 29th 2019 at 07:46:01 GMT +0300

I am 22 and have fallen in love with a man who is 47. He is married but is also very much in love with me and we are happy together and not bothered about the age difference. He has promised to marry me as his second wife and he seems serious about this. All my friends are against this and say that I am only after him because of his money. I know that I am very much in love with him and that he loves me too and I don’t care much about money as long as we are happy together. This is putting a lot of tension between me and my close friends and now I don’t know what to do about. Please advise me.


What the readers say:

Marriage is good as long as there is love, happiness, trust and respect. Age, they say, is just but a number, the two of you can make it as long you keep focus and be able to outgrow your friends' criticism. However, positive criticism is good as it highlights fundamental aspects worth taking into consideration. To be honest, this will be more of a father-daughter relationship. Friends are important and they mean well for you and that's why they see the decision you are about to make is wrong.

{Arthur Omuse}

This is unimaginable and I thank your friends for telling you the truth. You will most likely regret this when you fall pregnant and you find yourself alone in the wilderness. So truly seek the permission of the first wife if the man is serious for you to be his second wife. Finally, do you have to be married as a second wife or are you just out to spoil another woman’s marriage?

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{Onyango Outha}

I will choose to believe that you actually mean what you are saying. The question is: would you hold the same sentiments 10 years from now? Would you still be happy if he ran bankrupt and you are the one to provide for him? If the answers to those questions are a couple resounding yes, marry him tomorrow.

{Aseri Dick}

Though age is nothing but a number, that gap is too big and the effects will soon be clear. At that age, he is too old for you and you will face serious problems in your marriage. Please wind this up soonest possible and walk ahead instead of wasting each other's time.

{Tasma Saka}

Older men have already experienced earlier handing of women. So, from his experience, he very well knows how to tackle you during your good and bad moods. He will be patient with you and understand the problems you will go through in your marriage. Follow your heart and settle on what makes you happy.

{Fred Jausenge}

Simon says:

Celine, Celine, Celine what has gotten into you? Why are you working -- no struggling so hard -- to put yourself in the position many women get into by mistake but live the rest of their lives in regret? You did the right thing by seeking advice early but I am afraid that I may not give you the kind of advice you are looking for. I choose to give you the facts as they are and leave you to make the decision with the hope that you will make the right one.

Yes, yes he has promised to marry you as his second wife, he seems extremely serious about this and, yes, he has told you that he loves you and all the other things that men tell girls to get them to fall in love with them. I can only tell you that all those things he has told you amount to nothing.

These are all lies conveniently told with the aim of taking you to bed then he walks back home laughing at how naive and stupid you can be to believe that a 47-year-old man can fall in love with and marry you as his second wife. There is nothing more he wants from you apart from the excitement he gets for having sex with a young girl. It will only take you that split second of finding yourself pregnant to know how fast he can run and just how mean he can get. He will want nothing more to do with you.

This man probably has children older than you. Can you even imagine being a step-mother to them? Nonetheless, I will tell you that you have true friends -- those who can tell you the truth regardless of how you will feel about it. Let’s face it; everyone you have told about this has disapproved of you being in this situation, including me. Is it possible that we are all wrong and only you can see what we are not seeing?

You have a good life ahead of you, young girl. Stop working so hard to complicate it and again so early. Get a man within your age bracket and take things slowly. You cannot be thinking about marriage at 22. This should be far from your mind. Think about getting some college education and a firm foundation for yourself. If you don’t do this, then other people and circumstances will.

Simon Anyona is a relationships counsellor

Boke says:

Dear Celine,

Your age difference, and the fact that this man is already married, tells a lot. It not easy to convince your friends and many other people that you are purely driven by love in this relationship.

You may have not considered the effects of your relationship on the man’s family. You are breaking another family.

Get to know what plans he has for his family and you. If he intends to keep both of you then you need to understand the challenges that polygamy presents.

I get this feeling that you are naive and he is taking advantage of that or you have just allowed yourself to live in a bubble. You have fallen for an illusion. Please wake up! Things are not all rosy as they appear. Twenty years from now, this man will be an old man while you would only be much younger.

The same way he is easily getting you on board at the expense of his family’s harmony is the same way he will easily get someone else. Quit this false imagination that you are what this man has been looking for all these years.

His financial status could be offering much comfort and easy fortunes for you. This in itself can be attractive. Whether you love him because of his money or not, only you can judge for yourself. But picture him, just for a moment, without the material things that he possesses and see if you will have the same feelings for him.

Go slow on this relationship and take time to give it serious thought. There could be something your friends are seeing that you are not seeing.

Hilda Boke Mahare has a background in Counselling Psychology

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