Girl code: All the brave men please stand up, ladies are tired waiting for you

Dear single men ready to mingle, kindly buy some courage this year as we are tired of sitting on the shelves waiting for you to utter the right words.

I miss those days when men would boldly approach women and either ask for a relationship or marriage. The kind of men walking down these streets these days behave like roaches that swing their hips along corridors in the house in darkness. But as soon as the lights are switched on, they rush to the nearest cracks just to peep at whoever will walk in.

A number of men have been sending me ‘good morning’ and ‘good night’ texts for more than five months now. In between, they will ask how I am doing and if I have eaten anything.

As if should I say ‘No’, they will show up and prepare me something. All ye single men gracing these streets, if you aren’t going to get straight to the point, then don’t even begin the walk because, to say the least, it is annoying.

There’s no way you will fill up my phone memory with emojis day and night. Who told you I am collecting them? There’s one who is constantly sending me smiley faces. This year, I refuse to communicate using emojis.

These are the kind of men who will be in a relationship with you without your knowledge because, in their heads, sending you constant messages qualifies them to be your partner. Just because I reply to your messages day and night, doesn’t mean I am your lady now. Most of the time, we reply to those messages just to boost your self-esteem. If you keep beating about the bush, you will fetch both firewood and water on my wedding day.

Then we have those men who will insist on one-on-one meetings only to show up and breathe in and out on your face all through the date as if you are some form of an AlcoBlow? Ask them to pour out their hearts and they will start telling you about traffic in Kenya. Are we supposed to go and push those cars on the road and clear traffic? Seriously, you cannot ask me out on a date then talk about traffic. Unless, of course, you have bought me a German machine and it’s stuck somewhere in the traffic you are talking about.

In that case, I will gladly talk about traffic, not just in Kenya but in East Africa and beyond. I will even offer ideas on how it can be controlled. Now I know some of you will give me a side eye and probably brand me a gold digger because I talked about a car as a gift. Imagine that’s your problem! Go ahead and worry about it, write a research paper and once you are done, present it wherever you want.

All said and done, I am walking into the New Year hoping that only gentlemen crossed over. Not that I am campaigning for a husband, don’t get me wrong. Come to think of it, even if I am campaigning for a husband, that should be the least of your worries, unless it’s your husband I am eyeing, which I am not going to anyway.

Those men who show up on dates to breathe in and out and talk about traffic, I hope you change your perception about dates this year. Those of you who date us without our knowledge, may you all watch us slip away into the arms of the brave ones. Those of you who look at us like dead stock, may thunder strike your wicked minds.