Confessions: He complains I'm too thin and unattractive, started seeing someone

I am 26 years old, my husband is 30 and we have been together for four years now. We have had challenges but we have managed to conquer them. He recently started seeing someone else and the reasons he gave me when I confronted him is that he no longer loves me and is with me because of our child.

He also keeps complaining about how thin and skinny I am and that he does not see a future with me. Before we started dating I had told him that my father was a witch doctor and I regret having made this confession as he milks it dry any time a chance arises. I am pregnant again and I feel like this marriage is over already. What should I do?

{Carol}

What the readers say

Your husband is just being mischievous, he must have known you very well before deciding to take you as his wife so he should not complain about your looks. What has changed now that he thinks you are no longer the right size for him...and what exactly does he mean by this? May be you need to seek counselling.

{Onyango Outha}

It is unfortunate that your husband uses information you confided innocently against you. I’m not sure if letting him know your dad was a witch doctor was a good or a bad thing but this shouldn’t be an issue now as he fell in love with you not your father. You mentioned you are tired of him, this is not a good sign, make peace with your self and confront thin gs as they are to save this marriage. Couselling for both of you seems like the only good thing to do for now.

{Jeff Chepkwony}

It is unfortunate that after four years in marriage you have to go through this. What you need to work on is communication because you don’t seem to understand each other. You will need to remain to be who you are and raise your children the best way you know how. You both need to iron out underlying issues as what you complained of seems to be just outcomes of a bigger issue.

[Ouma Ragumo}

If he has made it clear to you that he doesn’t love you, what are you waiting for? Kids and a pregnancy are not enough reasons to stick to a man who doesn’t love you. Try have an open mind, get your life together, go for further studies or start a business. Get a life. Maybe he wasn’t even the man for you.

{Aseri Dick}

 Simon says:

Carol, I don’t know how you got to know about this other woman and what your husband tells her about you. Did you get this from her? Do you hear about this from her friends or other women in the neighbourhood?  I doubt that he would tell you anything of the sort so I am inclined to believe that you get this from a third party. Sometimes the information from third parties can be manipulated to get a particular message through with the intention of getting you to think or behave in a certain way. I would also be keen to find out if indeed this other woman exists as sometime we have fears or suspicions that are often unfounded or based on hearsay.

I find it strange for a man to keep complaining about how skinny and thin a wife is – it often makes no sense because I believe you were not any different when he saw and fell in love with you. Why is it an issue now? Generally, it is often misquoted that men can stay with a woman for the sake of the children. This is usually very hard for a man to do so be rest assured that he is there with you because he actually has a lot of love for you. His way of expressing it may be different but that is just what it is.

You should take some time and explain to him that these things he keeps saying to you actually hurt you and point out that when he makes demeaning comments about your family members, it can be extremely painful. About your size, assure him that if it was within your power, you would actually grow bigger and that if he gave you a chance and the right environment (including peace of mind and adequate food), you can indeed grow to the size of his liking. He should however be encouraged to stop making demeaning comments about your parents and other family members.

Lastly, that man is there with you. Even if there is indeed another woman in his life, she will remain to be the other woman. This is why she is very keen on sending offending messages to you through your friends. Her hope is that when you hear such things, you will get angry and leave him. Even if he has another woman, it will only be a matter of time before he gets tired of playing these games so relax and be patient and faithful to him.

Simon is a relationships counsellor

Boke says:

I do not know how you got to hear all that nasty stuff. It seems like someone else reported this to you. But it for sure sounds like the kind of lie cheating men use on women to give them false hope. They will be kept waiting for the day the man will divorce the wife or send her packing. The irony of it all is that, the man will continue to stay and develop his family as is in your case.

I believe that no adult can stay in a place or relationship longer than when they made up their mind to leave. No excuse is good enough to hold anyone in relationship they have decided to end.

If those words are hearsay then you need to disregard them. If indeed he said them to you, then you are going through verbal and emotional abuse. He could be doing this to make you feel too small to ever question his cheating. The constantly reference to your image, past flaws and family background is for no other purpose but to break your self-esteem and confidence.

Our image, and family background are things we have very little control over.

The same way we cannot take credit for a good background we come from is the same way we cannot take blame when it is otherwise. No one choose where they came from and no one framed nor created themselves.

What you need to address is his cheating and abuse. Let him know that this is wearing you out and  that you cannot allow your person to be constantly injured and attacked. You will have no life, talk less of a marriage and family if you are broken and destroyed within.

Express your commitment as well as your expectations in this marriage. Your expectations should include fidelity and healthy environment for your emotional well-being. Communicate this before embarking on any other drastic step.

Hilda Boke Mahare has a background in Counselling Psychology and loves to share her knowledge in matters of life and relationships.