Love lessons from divorcees: If he was married before, he won’t be truly yours

Nancy Wairimu, 50, businesswoman,

Love a second time around

I met my ex-husband in 1986 in Kiambu and we dated for two years.  We moved in together in 1988. We didn’t do a church wedding but I didn’t mind. He had separated from his first wife.

The union had produced four children. I also had a daughter from a previous relationship. Together, we had three children.

Our marriage was happy, and we were so in sync that people assumed we were siblings. He was in construction work while I was a farmer. Life was great”

The turning point…

In 1999, thieves broke into our home. They attacked me using machetes and damaged my arms. No other member of my family was hurt. My problems began then.

I was a wife who couldn’t work; I had to depend on others to do the most mundane of tasks. My husband took my new reality harder than I thought and withdrew from me.

I had to look for work…fast. I started selling second hand clothes and then went back into farming, something that was so difficult because of my mutilated hands. I worked hard and educated my children. I did relatively well and bought land in Kinangop to continue farming.

While I held on to hope that we would find our way back to a happy marriage, my husband remarried, a fact made possible since we weren’t formally married. 

The hurts and aches…

My marriage lasted for 26 years. There was a lot of betrayal in my marriage. And having a blended family didn’t help matters as sometimes children don’t accept the new spouse. I felt really hurt when he remarried but such is life. 

Regrets…

The fact that we never argued or fought before the unfortunate incident in 1999 meant that we never got to really know each other. Couples that fight and not sweep thing under the rug are often closer and know all the sides of their partner. 

Could I have sought better solutions to our problems? I would drag him to the local chief and even to our parents to seek solutions to our problems, but we couldn’t own up to our mistakes. It is however water under the bridge now. My arms have now fully recovered. I can work for myself. And I’m never getting married again! 

Lessons the hard way…

I learnt that men never fully settle into a second marriage since they constantly think of their first families.

If a man has broken up or left another family to be with you, you are in a hopeless union. He will always compare you to his first love especially when you err.