How to approach the woman you are in love with

The topic: I am a middle-aged man looking for a stable relationship. There is a woman I bump into nearly every day I think I am in love with her. I am however usually afraid of approaching her fearing that she may reject or embarrass me. I really like her and need your advice on how to approach her. I have never been in a serious relationship but hope I can get into one and more so with this lady. Please help me. {Felix}

What the readers say: Living with the fear of approaching her or any other woman you will come across will not help you at all. It is like the fear of public speaking and you can never overcome it until you go and just do it. It is possible to eliminate or reduce your anxiety quickly and easily by eliminating all the beliefs and conditionings that cause it, just like you can eliminate a general fear of rejection and social anxiety. {Miriam Njeri}

If you fear approaching this woman you want to be your life partner, how would you manage her when you marry her. I would suggest that you approach her and invite her for a cup of tea and just talk to her. You can befriend one of her relatives, especially her brother, and start buying her goodies through her brother. Approach her soberly and you just might win her heart. {Onyango Outha}

Faint Heart never won Fair Lady. If you are sure you have fallen in love, take courage, look her in the eye and say, "I like you" and wait for her response. If she embarrasses you then she is not yet ripe for a serious engagement and you will neither be the first or the last. Some of us went through hell before settling for and our spouses. You can start slowly and let things take their course. Wake up to reality and follow your heart. {Tasma Saka}

What you don't know is that women have an intuitive instinct in matters of love. She has probably noticed your interest already and is just waiting for your move. You cannot win anything without trying. Remember some women are like mangoes. As you wait for them to ripen, some people may as well be eating them with salt. {Aseri Dick}

Simon says: Felix, welcome to the world and by this, I mean the world of women and relationships. You meet her every day, think you are in love but don't know how to approach her for fear of rejection and embarrassment. Well, this is rather common and everyone both men and women go through this so it is nothing to be afraid of.

If you meet her somewhere every day and you really like her, I have some news for you Felix, she already knows this and there are two possibilities here; one, she may also really like you and wonders when you will be man enough to make that first move or two, she may be laughing inside at how timid and anxious you are about this.

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That said, I will tell you again that every man that has a woman by his side has been in your position at one point or the other. While often it is men that get nervous and anxious about meting someone new, the feeling also goes round the other side and they too get nervous but they have the advantage of not necessarily having to be the initiators. Many people get traumatised to make that first move and they have fears that hold them back just like you. However, 99% of those fears only exist in your mind i.e. they actually do not exist.

Who said that she will reject or embarrass you? You need to get out of that cocoon and approach her. This is the only way you will get to know what she thinks and really what is the worst thing she can do? Even if she doesn't like you, she cannot open criminal proceedings against you she will just put a disapproving face and walk away. But who said she does not or will not like you?

As a matter of fact she may also actually like you. If you see her at just about the same place every day, this is not a heavenly coincidence! She could be deliberately positioning herself at that point and being the lady she is waits patiently for you to make that move. Every day you let her go by, you may be disappointing a lady who is waiting for this seemingly nice and good looking guy to make that move. Go for it and know that for that first move, both parties are usually always nervous. Stop disappointing her but also keep an open mind about this.

Simon is a relationships counsellor who helps couples face the hard truth in dealing with issues towards reaching reasonable solutions

Boke says:

Can you imagine not going to school because we fear flopping in the exams. Imagine the farmer refusing to plant for fear of the crops failing. A businessman hesitating to start a business for fear of losses. Failing exams, failed crops and losses are possibilities in these scenarios. So is success.

Relationship not turning out as expected, being laid off at work, not being picked for a job or position after an interview, failing to make a sale or even failing to win an elective post; these are instances of rejection. Rejection should not hold us captive, but when the fear of rejection begins to paralyse and immobilise us then we should seek help. This is where you're at.

Behind the fear of rejection are self demeaning thoughts. This is fueled by constantly thinking negatively about one's self. Thoughts that you're not good enough, not good looking, you have nothing to offer and all such thoughts that deplete the self. In short you have a low self esteem. You need to deconstruct your thoughts of you. You may not be good at everything but you're good at somethings, you may not have everything to offer everyone but you have something to offer. While critiquing ourselves helps us to look at ourselves in perspective, this is not the same as criticism.

You appear to me as one who is constantly criticising yourself that you feel you have nothing to offer in a relationship. You for sure have desirable qualities and someone would be glad to be with you.

Quit putting yourself down, get out of the cage that fear has boxed you in. When you know your value you do not beat yourself down that someone does not want you in their life. Rather, you will be sorry for them for not seeing all these treasures in you. You're loaded with goodness, be bold and let your intentions known to the other person, and let them be free to make a decision and if their response is negative that is not a reflection of you but them. Rewrite your mental script of you. Affirm and appreciate yourself. Empower yourself with your words. Remember you can love someone else if you do not love yourself.

Hilda Boke Mahare has a background in counselling psychology and loves to share her knowledge in matters of love and marriage.