There’s nothing like ‘single’ relationship status

The word ‘single’ to describe a relationship status is an oxymoron. If you think of it, no one is ever really single. How is that guy or lady single when you are busy humping each other ‘together.’

There is no way you can describe a sexually active adult as single. Maybe an impotent man. But he would probably still hang around some chick to keep up appearances. People tend to pass themselves off as single because it probably guarantees an easy lay. In addition, we are haunted by the fear for commitment and seek refuge in singlehood, hoping that eventually we’ll find someone we can settle with.

A man or woman who claims to be single may simply just not have a ring on his or her finger. What that actually means is that there’s no commitment yet. The man just does not have a nagging wife and tots running around the house. If he does have kids, then he is probably a co-parent or a deadbeat dad.

As for the woman, she might not have spoilt brats for kids or a cheating drunken man who masquerades as a husband, but that does not make her single. She gets booty calls from a ‘starved’ guy at 10pm who sends her a screenshot of his ‘angry’ dudu. The message is very clear and she would probably jump into the next available taxi and zoom away to the guy’s crib for a congruence of two single and mingling adults.

Such liaisons are rarely more than sexual marathons. No emotions, no attachments. Nothing. Just sex. The sex could be so good, that even after the guy gets married, he would still stray towards her for rematches.

The ‘single’ man who drives his lady nuts is what we women call a ‘smack down.’ He’s a man who would open the floodgates of pleasure, make you yank your weave and leave you hoarse and sore. He is often broke and looks like the back of your handbag, but compensates for his inadequacies by being a stud in the sack. Not even in the after-world would you marry him. Yet, despite the orgasmic sex, a woman would still describe herself as single.

Perhaps the most abused sense of the word single is in the case of friends with benefits. This may entail booty calls alright, but there’s more to it than just sex. A friend with benefits is someone who is more than a friend - you can share with them almost everything. In fact, they could even be married or in serious relationships. So, when you end up at your bff’s place, get sloshed silly and both of you wake up naked the following morning with sheepish grins on your hungover faces - but you just get dressed, brush your teeth and walk out like nothing happened - that’s when you know you have crossed the threshold into the heaven of friends with benefits. These relationships have no strings for attachment. Occasionally, the married ones will tag along with their marital woes, and the unmarried friend will offer a shoulder to cry on...followed by a therapeutic shag.

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Then there are the ‘sponsored’ women who call themselves single because they know their ‘situationships’ are on shaky grounds. In any case, these relationships (for mutual benefit and using each other) are often materialistic. So, the young supple woman would work on aging, creaking bones and try to jump-start a wrinkly organ with ebbing fire power. In exchange, she’ll be showered with cash and holidays abroad.

Finally, I would not want to be accused of being homophobic. I believe that love wins regardless of sexual orientation. But the truth is that in Kenya (and Africa in general), many homosexuals are still in the closet and as such, a man who ‘plays for the other team’ would pass himself as single, though of course that will be a lie.

So peeps, when you meet a man or woman whose relationship status is ‘single,’ just know tumecheswa. The idea of being single is just that, an idea!