The Madaraka Express is flooding Mombasa with annoying Nairobians

Following the launch of the SGR, more and more Nairobians are flowing into Mombasa every weekend. Not that we aren’t excited about that, I mean that’s approximately 1,000 more pairs of armpits to smell each day of the weekend, eeuw! Tourists can be an annoying bunch. Every time I visit Nairobi, people keep bumping into me coz they are in such a hurry. Or am I the one who is too slow?

But that aside, nothing comes close to the charade Nairobians bring to Mombasa. In my entire life, I have never seen a species as annoying as the average-moneyed Nairobian tourist who has just landed in Mombasa for the first time. They get to Mombasa mostly at dawn and now thanks to the train, at around 2pm. The Nairobian man wears a white vest and checkered shorts with a ‘ka-hat’ that does nothing for him fashion-wise. The women mostly sport what’s more like a kerchief around derrieres! Surely, even if the coast is as hot as it’s made out to be, a rack and crotch doesn’t qualify as a piece of clothing!

They have plastered layers of make up, so it’s easier to see where their common sense end and fakery begin. Sometimes the Nairobian woman wears shorts two sizes small that make her crotch look like there’s a lodged giant samosa between her legs. Her Gucci imitation heavy goggles are carefully tucked behind her ears, like she bought them specifically for the purpose of holding that giant wig on her head in place. They are neither exactly rich nor poor. These people are what I call in a lovely coastal accent, wako na pesa wastaani and demand the most but want to spend the very least (they are stingy tippers too).

First thing when they get to Mombasa is call up all contacts and rummage through Facebook friends to zero in on those who live in town so that we can either provide free accommodation, transport or take on the role of unlicensed tour guides. They’ll normally snare you with the words, “I miss you,” even when they’ve been online for hours since the day you had your last chat back in 2012. If you are weak, they’ll talk you into selling your soul then you’ll spend the rest of the weekend hopping from town to town like a flea in a chicken lair, both as a designated driver and an amorous photographer.

These Nairobi tourists want to see, eat and sample everything in the span of the three hours that they’ll be sober and sane. After that, it’s a trip down a very dark manhole which normally ends with one insulting a cop because he memorised the Constitution during his university years and “drunken people too have rights.”

They have no courtesy. They call servicemen and women lazy in their faces; they grab the waitresses’ butts, dance a little too robustly and talk the loudest. YOLO is their excuse for almost every stupid decision they make. Slap the bouncer, YOLO! Throw yourself in the ocean when you can’t even swim, YOLO! (and it’s the same Abdalla who you just called lazy who’ll fish your body out of the ocean by the way, just so you know).

And Whoever told Nairobi people that imitating the coastal accent is cute!? It’s like tiptoeing when talking to a person taller than you, it’s not cute, and it’s a minute away from go-get-your-head-checked! And let me say it for the first and final time, boxers are not swimming trunks! Whoever told the Nairobi man that the very thin, gray and worn-out undies quality as swimming gear lied to him. When that darn thing gets wet after that water thrashing that you call swimming in the ocean, it clings onto your male parts like a second skin, giving us a full view of the shrivelled jingle bell and two wrinkly cherries dancing in the wind. It’s embarrassing to say the least.

And I think we need to simply get rid of the bikini altogether because as I’ve come to find out, we haven’t perfected the bleaching game. Also, bikini waxing seems to be alien to these clueless Nairobian chicks. The Nairobi woman would be there basking in the sun in her teeny-weenie bikini and it looks like someone Kiwi’d her butt while she was sleeping! Is it really that hard to evenly bleach one’s body?

I know its fun seeing new things, but when you get here, can you guys please contain yourselves?!