The agony of having a bogus cook for a girlfriend or wife

There are a lot fraudulent things going around in the social scene. I have been to a restaurant that promises the sweetest dishes in town. If you grab yourself a seat at the corner and order your favourite and wait patiently for it, you will soon realise that this hotel is not what they said they are on their website.

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What would be the revelation? Well, if you see a giant cat walking around, as if it owns shares in that hotel, just know hapo umecheswa! It has happened to me several times and I’m beginning to think, perhaps I’m just a jinxed poor sod. I have also seen women who pretend that they are urbane; thoroughly schooled and highly sophisticated. Something I have absolutely no problem with.

The problem, however, comes in when you engage with them at that high level, seeing that they have already raised their premium to astronomical levels. The moment they open their mouth, all hopes come crashing down. By the way, I’m not alluding to their accent. I’m not bothered by acquiring the queen’s pronunciation because after all, I am certain that the Queen cannot fluently speak Maa like myself. So why would I be bothered?

The contention here is the level of reasoning. Ladies, the world does not start and end with weaves, make-up and fake eye lashes, there is more to the world than just looking pretty. Current affairs! Current affairs! Current affairs! Believe you me, I have seen pretty good mannequins in major shopping malls!

What’s more, for me and most men, the deal breaker is women who cannot cook a proper African meal! Just hold on. I know you are already throwing insults, calling me all sorts of names, claiming that you should be viewed more broadly than just mere cooks. I will tell you for free. This is the same wisdom that your aunties and your grandmother, would tell you if they really care and love you. Thing is, you must simply make good meals for your husband to keep him.

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You cannot be the type that cannot make anything beyond boiled egg and instant coffee and still expect to attract the affection and interest from your man. You must be a magician who can make meals of all colours and types, from all parts of the world, and to perfection.

A zero grazing farmer keeps his cow in a pen, so he knows he must give his cow all sorts of food as it cannot freely range and graze. Similarly, if you want to ‘zero graze’ your man, then you must give him a wide variety of choice.

You cannot limit your man to boiled cabbage and rice, day in day out and still call yourself a great woman in the presence of other great women.

Your greatness will not be measured by how high your heel is, or how long your weave is, or the number of layers of undercoats and other emulsion paints on your face. It will be examined on how well you know your man and how well you can cook him the best meal in town.

That is what brings him to the house every evening. The modern tragedy is that most modern women regard cooking for their hubbies as a bothersome chore. Because besides that, please remember there are younger women who can twerk their behinds more rhythmically, there are bold women who can do four times what you think is your greatest achievement in the sack.

You will thank me later, get the basics first and it all starts with cooking him a decent meal; after all haven’t you heard the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach?