Why it can be difficult sometimes to leave an abusive relationship

An abusive relationship is not only characterized by physical harm, but also emotional and psychological manipulation (also known as gaslighting). Being in an abusive relationship is hard in itself and even harder when you have to talk to people who don’t know how to say the right thing. People who have never been in such relationships do not understand why anyone would stay. You start judging the person by their inability to leave. I know it doesn’t make any sense when you find someone in such a relationship and nothing actually makes any sense as to why it’s so hard for this person to leave.

But there are genuine reasons why victims of abusive relationships find it difficult to leave:

Fear

The fear of the unknown is so real. You do not think you will find anyone better. You are afraid to start getting to know someone over again. We live in a generation where we are comfortable with what we know. We are afraid to explore other opportunities and relationships because we are satisfied with what we are getting now. The reason why us women sometimes choose to stay in an abusive relationship is because we are afraid we will never get someone to love us. The other side of the coin involves your partner threatening your security, or those around you, if you choose to leave. In some cases, abusive partners emotionally manipulate their victims into believing there’s no one better than them.

Low self esteem

Low esteem has to do with limited self-confidence and lack of self- love. You met this guy who was really good looking and treated you like a queen and made you feel like no other person ever did, and so you’re on cloud nine. You love them and when they start to change and become abusive you tend to believe that is what you deserve or that it is your fault they’re acting up. You believe that this person is right about what he speaks over your life. His word now becomes gospel.  But this isn’t true and often an abusive partner who emotionally attacks you or attempts to invalidate you is gaslighting you. Gaslighting is psychological manipulation and occurs when a partner deliberately invalidates your feelings, thoughts or experiences. Gaslighting is usually expressed in the form of an abusive partner/friend saying “you’re overthinking”, “it’s just in your head” or “stop being offended.” Gaslighting and emotional abusive seriously affect a victim’s self-confidence and self-esteem, which can give way to grievous mental illnesses such as anxiety, Stockholm syndrome and depression.

Children.

We love our children with our all. They are our world. We stay in relationships that are abusive because we want a family. We want to be strong for our children and show them that families are perfect. We choose to stay in these relationships because we think we are doing justice to our families. We want them to grow in the right environment, but unbeknownst to you, choosing to stay will affect your children. They notice more than you think. If you truly love your children, you take them out of a toxic environment so they can truly experience a life outside abuse. You may be worried about money, food or clothes but when your child grows up they may either become the spitting image of your abuser or the spitting image of you, the abused. You know Chris Brown? Yes, the one who beat up Rihanna. He attempted to justify his abuse by citing his violent upbringing, where he witnessed his uncle repeatedly beat his mother, as the reason why he did. You don’t want your child to end up like this.

Change

Some women stay because they think a man will change. If he loved you at some point then he will love you again. We stay hoping that a man will get back to the place he loved us first. We are generally positive beings and tend to see the good side of the other person even when they can’t see it themselves. This now makes a woman stay hoping that he will come around. Truth is, if they won’t willingly change for you, they won’t change at all. The only one who will change will be you – and not in a good way.

Money

When a guy gives you everything you want and desire in life; you want to be in his life. Money can blind people to not see what the other person is capable of. It makes you think that this person loves you because they bought you all these stuff. Women may stay in abusive relationships because they want the good life and are okay with how they are treated by their partners. We make excuses for them and cover what they did by what they bought us. “But he bought me a car.” Truth is, he can kill you with that same car. A partner who uses money or bargains for your loyalty and affection is neither trustworthy nor caring. You also will not be happy, despite the security that comes with his promises.

If a friend or a loved one is in such a relationship, please ask them to get help. These relationships cause so much harm and if you have never experienced it, it may be more difficult to relate to a person who stays in an abusive relationship. But do not judge and try to be as supportive as possible by finding help.