My wife is always on her phone and I feel rejected as a man

My wife spends more time on her phone than with me. These days I feel like I am competing for her attention with the phone. Before she got a smart phone, we had many good times and memories together. Now all she seems to care about is chatting on some strange women groups and I really don’t know who else. Sometimes it seems as if she is chatting with men but when I ask her she says she is following things on some chat groups she belongs to. I feel bad because she seems to be addicted to chatting and I feel that we are losing our intimacy because of this. I want her attention back and at the same time I don’t want to seem insecure or manipulative. {Lawrence}

Your Take:

Lawrence, we can all fall into this trap. It is very easy to become addicted to mobile phone applications if one is not careful. I really struggle with this because my job is completely dependent on the Internet. Most of what I do is online, so I am not on the Internet to chat with friends, but to respond to clients or on other work related things.

 However, I had a reality check once, and realized I need to be there for my family because the Internet will always be there for use, but my family may not always be. I decided to give them the attention they deserve. Talk to her and if she is a reasonable woman, she will change.

{Janet Mwikali}

Lawrence you need to know who your wife is chatting with at any one time. Ask her to stop chatting with people in the late hours of the night because it makes you feel bad. If she does not stop, then you can sort this out by buying a basic phone that does not have those features - a ‘mulika mwizi’. If she is a good wife, she will definitely change but learn to understand each other.

{Joshua Obino}

Sorry brother, but we have to accept that technology has come with a lot of changes if not challenges. Technology too, has made promiscuous people become more promiscuous. Getting her out of this addiction is not an easy thing and if need be, ask her to choose between you or the phone.

As a man, you have to take control and bring sanity into your marriage. Talk to her and be  firm with her to make her understand how you feel.

{Ouma Rangumo}

Counselor’s Take:

Lawrence, you may already be in a three-some with your wife and her phone, and this is a situation many people are finding themselves in this era of smart phones. The innovative mobile applications such as WhatsApp and Facebook are contributing a lot to making people less intimate, since more time is spent either reading or responding to chat messages from mobile devices.

Many are guilty of this growing vice and it is causing untold strain in many relationships; some even leading to separation or divorce. The problem is that whenever the other party raises an issue with the one spending too much time on their phone, the party under question becomes overly defensive.

This only helps to aggravate the situation by breeding feelings of resentment and underlying bitterness towards the other party.

Lawrence, you are indeed justified to question her excessive use of the mobile phone. In addressing this issue, the focus should not be more on the people the other person is chatting with, but more on how this practice makes you feel.

The approach you use is what will determine the results. Rather than show signs of mistrust and suspicion towards her, appeal to the emotional part of your relationship.

Acknowledge that indeed she has to keep checking for work e-mails and text messages, but also point out that she often appears distant towards you and probably the children, and make it clear that you are not jealous but need more of her attention when you are together. {Taurus}