When love breeds hate and murder

A woman was recently charged with the murder of her husband. Apparently, this was not the first time that she had paid “hit-man” to eliminate him. It is not unusual to read of partners who have either contemplated, attempted or committed murder.

Doreen Dufresne, of Port Orange, USA, sought a hit-man to kill her estranged husband just before he removed her from his insurance policy. Mathew Winkler, a respected preacher was murdered by his wife, Mary, who said she was fed up with him for being extremely critical and cruel.

Studies indicate half of spousal homicide offenders are wives. Husbands generally are seen as abusers in most cases so how does the wife become the offender? It is argued that the wife who continued staying in an abusive relationship is unable to take on further abuse as it escalates to unmanageable levels and she commits the offence in self-defense.

When love and intimacy turns sour, feelings of anger, unresolved conflicts, rejection, turns to resentment and eventually hate becomes the fruit, the relationship becomes challenged.

In these circumstances, hate serves as the dominant emotion that overrides all others, the feelings are communicated powerfully through actions and is intense in intimate relationships.

Women who have seemed secure in relationships have turned against their partners in the most unexpected manner. When Mary Winkler shot her husband Mathew; she was frustrated because in her confession, she was needing his love, approval, affirmation and affection.

Interestingly, as he lay on the floor bleeding profusely, the last words he whispered to his wife as he gasped for breath were; “Why? Mary, why?” The response from his wife was simple, yet mind-blowing under the circumstances. All she said to him was “I Love you Mathew... I love you.” The brutal act was led by a love-hate relationship.

In the book, In the Name of Love, one who killed his wife had this to say: “You don’t always kill a woman or feel jealous about a woman or shout at a woman because you hate her. No. Because you love her, that’s love.” No doubt, love can be extremely dangerous, and people have committed the most horrific crimes in the name of love.

When a partner focuses attention on their partner’s goodwill, they have intense feelings of love. On the other hand, when they become insecure out of their perceived bad deeds, then the hate feelings become a reality.

It is not uncommon then to hear one say: “Sometimes I love you, sometimes I hate you. But when I hate you, it’s because I love you,” (Nat King Cole). Emotional experiences are dynamic and different experiences and circumstances often dictate emotional attitude toward the same partner.

Studies indicate that there are various reasons why one would murder their partners; Temper tantrum killer individuals are prone to violent outbursts when their needs are not met. There’s also the “narcissistic killer,” someone who harms those who no longer fulfill their needs.

Another is the Abandonment killer who commits murder because they have been rejected and abandoned for someone else. The Sociopathic killer a charming individual who knows the good and bad but doesn’t care.

While people commit murder for various reasons, they do so mainly because they feel the victim of injustice and have no recourse. They are at the time thinking about themselves and how they can find freedom if they get rid of the prisoner, their spouse who is causing them pain while they feel helpless.

If a relationship causes you so much stress that you begin to think about death of yourself or your spouse, then it is time to take a break and seek support before you destroy yourself and the lives of others. What is the point of spending the rest of your life behind bars?

The writer is a Relationship Coach and Author, Marriage Built to Last. You can reach her on; www.jenniekarina.co.ke