How do I tell my sons I have cancer? I'm all they've got

I had been unwell for a while until a doctor suggested that I take some screening tests. From the tests I was diagnosed to be suffering from stomach cancer. The scan revealed a 12-inch tumour and the doctor recommended that I start chemotherapy in a month or two. I am a single mother of two teenagers and have not told them anything. I don't know how or what to say to them because I am all they have. The doctor did not say much about the probability of success, but I can tell from his reaction that it doesn't look good. Please advice on how I can deal with this? This has really taken a toll on me. {Ruth}

Counsellor's take

Cancer is a difficult subject for anyone. It is difficult for doctors to tell their clients, it is definitely harder on the patients when they have to take on such news and it gets even harder for family members when they learn of it among other things. There is no easy way of dealing with such news again for the doctors, patient or family and friends. It is much harder to deliver such news to children.

However, when one is diagnosed with one or other forms of cancer, it is better to inform others as soon as possible. While this causes a lot of confusion and psychological stress to all who are involved, it ends up being much easier on the patient as they offload the burden of carrying such news around and alone. Many times people don't know what to say and in most instances they remain silent to avoid saying the wrong things but generally your family will always be there to support you. Even without saying much, knowing that there are people who love and care for you is already therapeutic enough to help you through this.

Telling your children may be the most difficult thing you will ever have to do. However, it has to be done albeit gradually and with a lot of caution. Being teenagers, they may understand the magnitude of this situation thereby affecting them even more but it is important that they are put in the know. Generally, it is a little easier if someone else like an auntie or uncle breaks the news (in your presence). It has to be done with extreme caution and if possible by releasing small bits of essential information over a period. This needs a person with a high level of emotional intelligence and maturity. Delivering such news the wrong way can be even more catastrophic than the actual situation.

For them, the greatest assurance should be that you are getting treatment for it and that all will be well. No matter how bad it gets, keep renewing their faith and strength. If you build an aura of hope and faith around you then this will be much easier on them. On the other side, if you lose hope and faith then you will crush their spirits and their souls. While we believe that God will see you through this, get a close relative they can trust to take charge of them. This person should have capacity to become a spring of hope and nourishment for them. Such a person is usually better in nourishing their faith and reassuring them that all will be well.

While this is difficult for everyone, the first step towards handling this effectively is accepting the situation. This helps develop inner peace and reduces the psychological strain and stress that would make things worse. When you develop that inner peace, it not only becomes much easier for you to deal with other people who may want to support you but it also makes it easier for them to deal with you. Take heart and know that our prayers are with you. {Taurus}

Your Take

It is better if this is done early but they must be prepared for it through counselling. While this will be hard for them, they already know that we shall all die someday. Get some help from a counsellor and some teachers in their school to help with this situation. However, take heart because many people have been successfully treated from such tumours. {Tasma Charles}

The ages of your children should guide as to how much you can tell them. Children should be told in a way that they can understand what is going on and so they can start preparing themselves for any changes that may happen in the family.

{Lilian Mose}

Ruth, cancer is a disease just like any other. It has been cured through treatment or has been well managed over time. Follow the doctor’s advice and inform your children as soon as possible. Even if you don’t tell them, they will find out about it even from other people out there. You will also need their support in your walk through this. {Ouma Ragumo}

Ruth your boys are the other bigger part of you. They need to know all that is happening in your life. You need their support, even the laughs and the smiles from them can give you a life! Hiding it from them will only make you guilty so find a way to share this with them and continue seeking medical advice. {Fred Jausenge}

Ruth, you need not worry about this but have faith in God. With Him, all things are possible. I would advice that you have your case reviewed in a national referral hospital to get a confirmation about your situation. You may also want to try herbal medicines, which are now known to be treating cancer better than modern medicines. Consider these before going for any operation. Have courage and faith that all which started will end up well. {Onyango Outha}