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Why men need their version of Kilimani Mums Uncensored


Over the past few weeks, Strepsils-the throat lozenges-have been trending on Kilimani Mums Uncensored (KMU). No, women have not been trying to find effective cure for sore throat with the common cold that invariably visits people when the December rains come down.

Apparently, besides being an effective sore throat fixer, Strepsils, especially Coo Menthol variety, has been transforming the sexual lives of Nairobians. Women are using Strepsilis to give better fellatios. When the lozenge dissolves in the mouth, leaving the coolly, menthol air in the mouth, it makes fellatios so much better that men lose their heads. KMU, for the uninitiated, is Facebook page that is a cesspit of debauchery where our daughters and wives go to learn bad manners. It is unapologetic, uncensored and unhinged. Women go to the Facebook page to give and take advice about the impossible problems of life; husbands/boyfriends who cheat or underperform in bed, erring house helps, sexual matters and some shopping while at it.

We are at a stage in our country where we can talk about fellatios in public. How is that for social progress. Ezekiel Mutua should rein in on KMU. It is teaching women really bad stuff that may compromise marriages and relationships. It goes against the very Christian and religious beliefs of our beloved country. The country's morals are at risk.

Depressingly, a peek into KMU page reveals that every decent woman I know subscribes to the page. I have seen very respectable female politicians, my high-flying corporate female friends, women who drive big SUVs, and three friends who received a first class in their undergraduate. I don't judge them. We all grapple with existential crises of life, such as how to give the best blow-job in the East Coast of Africa. When you come down to it, that is what life is all about: getting blown away.

What I like most about women is that at least they do take an initiative to learn about ways to spice their sex life. There are notable (read notorious) sexologist in Nairobi who are never short of clients. A while ago, a video leaked of what a typical session at the sexologist look like. Sex is oxygen. Men on the other hand are painfully shy to admit their sexual failures. Kenyan men do not rank anywhere on the list of sexiest or sexual mammals in the animal kingdom. Mostly because we are broke, but that is another thing. Competing with Congolese and Nigerian men who are in the country illegally and who everyone suspects are involved in either drugs or human trafficking is not easy. But even so, we are not great lovers, if our women are to be believed (they are not loveable either-Ugandan women score better). Part of the reason is that men have no place to learn on how to be pros in bed. And millennial women can't take anything less than sky-opening, 'stars-coming-down' type of sex. The rampant promiscuity among married women comes down to the fact that most married men are tired with mediocre sex. Some buy dildos. Some look for younger men with some energy to spice their lives.

For men, other than Google, and porn, we have nowhere to look. Explaining to another man that you have plumbing problems is not easy. We like going for easy fixes. Red Bull. Guinness. Ground nuts. Brown Ugali. Mukhubero. Viagra. Some powders sold over the counter in the hope that we can sustain a decent performance. Maybe these things work. Maybe they don't. But definitely, we need help. But how do we overcome the shyness. I gather, in Kilimani Mums-Uncensored, the most outrageous and notorious women use pseudonyms to post the saucy messages. May be men need a similar platform where we can go with pseudonyms and ask about any bedroom problem. We can share anecdotes and find what works and what does not work.

Sexually speaking, Kenyan women are about a century ahead in terms of knowledge and practice. I know many men my age (and I am fairly young) who are not open to the idea of a blow-job. And we are now in the phase where women are demanding a cunnilingus too. In no time, it will be mandatory, once a woman goes down on you, you must return the favour or else you will be a misanthrope and you may be denied sex.

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