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Home / Between The Sheets

I am a 34-year-old virgin, will my first time be a disaster?

 How can I make sure my first time isn't a disaster? (Image: Shutterstock)

Hi Chris,

I don’t know why this should be, but I’m embarrassed to tell you about my worry. I’ve had lots of really nice boyfriends, but I’m still a virgin.

That started off as a decision to wait for my wedding night, but now that I’m beginning to feel that might be coming closer, I’ve realised that sexual inexperience isn’t all it’s cracked up to be!

Should I go on waiting? Somehow waiting until I marry doesn’t feel important any more, but then the idea of a first time with someone who’s just a boyfriend also feels pretty scary.

Please advise! How can I make sure my first time isn’t a disaster?

First Time

Chris says,

Hi First Time!

You don’t have to be sexually experienced to enjoy your wedding night. But love isn’t enough, and that’s why so many wedding nights are disappointing. Watch ‘On Chesil Beach’ for a worst case scenario!

Because couples also need to know what they’re doing, and to be able to communicate well in bed. Then things will go fine.

So make sure you’re both well informed, and ready to take things slowly!

Spend as long as you need getting to know each other’s bodies. Days even. Keep the lights on, look, touch, and ask questions.

Lay off the alcohol. If you can feel its effects, you’ve had too much. Have some lube handy, even if you don’t think you need it.

And if you want to pause for any reason, just say so. You think you might be too scared to say stop if you need to? Then you’re not ready for sex. Get past that point long before your wedding day!

And if anything at all does go wrong, don’t blame yourself. Or your partner. It’s just nerves.

Be 100 per cent honest about everything, absolutely no faking, and don’t base any of your expectations on porn.

Porn isn’t real sex. Real sex is much better. Friendlier, funnier, longer, closer, and that special sleep after is something else.

Needless to say, all of that also applies if you decide to have sex before your wedding day.

But there’s also a few more things to think about. Like contraception. And don’t drink at all. And if that sounds boring, then you’re not ready.

Don’t have sex if your partner’s drinking either, even if you’re sober. It’s not nearly so much fun anyway.

And before you have sex with anyone, check whether they’re even slightly crazy. That’s another very good reason for staying sober! ‘Crazy’ usually means some sort of personality disorder, and getting that close to someone with personality issues could ruin your life for years.

Above all, remember that there’s no shortage of sex out there. Trust me, there’ll always be another chance. And passing up on something that might end in tears just might be the most important thing you ever do.

All the best,


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