Breast may be best but it won't feed a child's intelligence

Can someone please warn my sons not to read this. At 15 and 12, they are already coming to the conclusion that everything I say, or do, or cook is weird.

They will go into hiding for 25 years if they read on.

Coast clear? Good. So, what is it with all this evidence about breastfeeding being the best thing ever in the whole wide world to ensure intelligent children who will go on to be rich?

Bo*****s to that! And I’m not saying that because I didn’t breastfeed. I did.

I breastfed as though breasts were about to become extinct. I did it with more ferocity than I would have if I hadn’t had to go back to work after three months leave – because I wanted to maintain a connection with my sons, even though I wasn’t always there.

And, of course I was aware of the benefits. Plus that’s what breasts are for. I was armed with a pump wherever I went. I stored it in the fridges of people I’d never met before when I filmed in their homes. I took it to interview Tom Cruise.

It flew to Majorca to interview Michael Douglas and was present when Tony Blair popped in to the GMTV studio.

The loo at breakfast telly was my refuge whenever I felt a pump coming on. It is not a glamorous business. And it’s difficult, largely because, for some reason, people resent it, like it’s as gross as an over excited couple snogging in front of strangers.

At Heathrow I had to go to the disabled loo to do it. And all this because I wanted my sons to have the best possible start in life. And I believe it was.

Touch wood, neither of them have had the usual childhood illnesses. Even now that they’re regularly eating and drinking junk when out with mates, they’re still generally healthy. I’m convinced their immune systems are strong because I breastfed them.

I fed my eldest for 18 months. And the youngest for a year.

This means I should have two boys with higher than average IQs who will go on to earn more, according to the latest research.

The author of the study which followed a group of 3,500 newborns from all social classes for 30 years, claims that prolonged breastfeeding not only increases intelligence, but also has an impact on educational attainment and earning ability.

So, in theory, my two should be rich-as-Croesus Einsteins in the making. Really? The news from my 15-year-old son’s bedroom, where he’s supposed to be revising for GCSEs, is not good. “Have you started on your English Literature revision yet?”, I enquired. “No. I hate that bloke Shakespeare; I wish he’d never been born”.

Meanwhile neither of them do their homework without a fight and I’ve stopped pocket money due to general unwillingness to help around the house.

Breastfeeding is natural, so it has to be good. But all the rubbish about high-achievers does nothing to make mums who can’t feed naturally feel like they’re doing the best job. Most mums do their best whether they breastfeed or not.