Confessions: I am becoming just like my mother and I don’t know what to do

Hi Chris,

When I was in my teens, I was convinced I would do so much better than my parents. Especially in my marriage.

Theirs was not very happy, so one of my goals was to choose the right husband, and be really successful and happy together! But now, in my early 40s, I realise that I am becoming just like my mother.

And that although my marriage was different, it was not any better than my parents. So now I am divorced and dating again. Is there anything I can do that will help me do better next time around?

So like my Mother

Chris says,

 Hi So like my Mother!

Sooner or later, we all realise that we are growing more and more like our parents. And making the same mistakes that they made, all over again.

That is partly because you inherited a lot of their characteristics. And probably have all the wrong expectations, especially about marriage.

But mostly it is because you do not understand yourself well enough. So you have no idea who you will be compatible with. Because marriage is not about finding a perfect partner. It is about finding someone who will cope with your oddities, and you with theirs.

Most people also say that they want a partner who will make them happy. But what you really go for is what you are used to. And that is much more complicated. Because while you were growing up there were probably loads of times when you felt criticised, controlled, abused, or abandoned.

So that is what you actually go looking for in a partner, and why you find well-balanced and mature guys so boring. Going instead for those exciting characters who your subconscious knows will mess you up in comfortable, familiar ways.

These days, we also all agree that marriage is all about love and affection. So as soon as you meet someone who romances you nicely, you think you have got everything right. But that is not how it goes in practice.

In real marriages, truly romantic moments are actually quite rare. And most of your time is spent dealing with ordinary day to day problems.

Worse still, we do not know enough about love. We learn our relationship skills by trial and error, and few people know much about why marriages fail. When really most problems can be avoided altogether, once you have learned the right approach.

So use your second chance at dating to put all that right. Accept that your parents did the best they could, and learn from their mistakes.

Learn more about yourself, and especially the way your subconscious memories of childhood lead you astray.

Choose the mature and well-balanced guy, rather than the exciting, but flawed romantic. And read all the books you can find about making a success of love.

Things should go much better next time.

All the best,

Chris