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What is avoidant attachment?

Relationships - By Esther Muchene | February 11th 2021 at 09:00:00 GMT +0300
If you feel like you’re doing the most, you could be dealing with an avoidant attachment personality (Shutterstock)

Have you ever been on a date with someone where the conversation just flowed and you couldn’t wait to go on a second date? Then poof, they ghost you.

You feel like you’re doing the most, you are always the first to text ‘good morning,’ ‘how are you?’ only to be met with one-word replies and you can’t help but think they are being aloof and dismissive.

Well, chances are you may be dealing with an avoidant attachment personality.

As much as they want to be in a relationship, you will realize their resistance to showing any need of emotional closeness.

Could you be dealing with one, or are you that type of a person who would rather remain mysterious and detached?

Let’s find out what avoidant attachment is and how to spot it.

Before we get deep into the matter, one thing should be clear. Everyone desires and deserves to be loved.

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While you may be tempted to judge them as egocentric and selfish, this will only cause them to pull away from you further.

To help you understand them, let’s get the definition right.

An attachment avoidant personality, according to a 2012 study in The Dysregulated Adult, is a person whose early attempts at human connection and affection were overlooked or rejected.

Learned from early childhood, it develops when a young child or infant has faced repeated discouragement after expressing their outward emotion like crying. Their parent or whoever was present during their early childhood was consistently unavailable and unresponsive to their needs.

As a result, they find it hard to trust others and they learn to solely rely on themselves.

  • How to identify avoidant attachment personality

Depending on whose model you want to choose, we will look into the two main styles. The dismissive avoidant and fearful avoidant.

A person with dismissive avoidant attachment comes off as independent and have a solo mentality.

Fearful avoidant personality is usually emotionally distant, have boundaries and often find it hard to open up to anyone including their spouses and friends.

The fearful or anxious avoidant attachment personality fears being abandoned and usually are very good at giving mixed signals because they are scared of being left alone.

Respect your differences, give them space and don’t push them (Shutterstock)
  • Signs of avoidant attachment personality

i.They avoid close emotional relationships and usually find it hard to keep friendships.

ii.They rarely if ever, ask for help. Since they have gone through so much disappointment, they fear being let down and they would rather do it by themselves.

iii.Communication is not their strongest trait. When a problem occurs, they would rather walk away and not discuss it at all.

iv.When someone gets too close, they activate strategies to kill intimacy. You will find them pulling away even when things are going well in their relationship or they will look for the smallest imperfection in their partner to leave the relationship.

v.When something is wrong, they would rather sulk and not complain.

vi.They have learnt to suppress their vulnerable emotions no matter how tough the situation they may be going through may be.

When you identify these signs, don’t take it personally. They need healing from past trauma and give them space to withdraw. Respect your differences and don’t push them.

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