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Home / Relationships

Agony of a wife whose hubby is another man’s ‘woman’ : That my husband was the ‘woman’ in our own bedroom is even harder to swallow

By David Odongo and Cate Mukei | 5 years ago | 4 min read

Cathy discovered that her hubby was a closet homosexual after 15 years and five intelligent, lovely children.

That was in 2008 when a missed flight at the airport saw her returning home where she was confronted by the reality of her man’s double life.

The guy she met during a campus trip to the Coast that beautiful December afternoon in 1993 was having a romp with another man.

Cathy, whose parents were very religious, was speechless. She felt sick. Confused.

“If he was cheating on me with a woman, maybe I could have understood. But that my husband was the ‘woman’ in our own bedroom is even harder to swallow,” said the mother of five.

What happened after what Cathy describes as ‘life- changing’ incident is the dilemma that many couples have to deal with in Kenya today.

Little secret exposed

Barely two weeks ago, a woman confessed on social media how her pal had been suspecting her husband of cheating on her. So, she hired a private detective to establish the truth. Two days later, the detective reported that the man was cheating all right, but not with a woman. He was having a thing on the side with another man! The woman took to social media trying to get directions and advice from members of a popular online forum. Should she tell the husband that she knows about his big, dark secret?

Women have lovers too

Then there is the case of Jimmy, a business man who was recently dumped by his wife when she discovered that he liked men. The father of three sons is said to be dating a struggling poet and has even been funding his poetry night sessions.

But surprisingly, the man still posts photos of his latest female catch after the wife bolted, which is rather shocking for those in the know.

But Jimmy, as successful and wealthy as he is, is not the only one struggling with sexual identity crisis.

Pius (whose other name, like Jimmy’s, we can’t reveal) is another mandarin in the corporate world who was dumped by the daughter of a senior professor when she discovered he was not straight.

Later, he hooked up with a musician whose career was fumbling, but she too left him months to their wedding. All along, Pius was having a fling with a male brand strategist at a marketing company.

It is not just married women who discover their spouses playing for the wrong team. Men too have caught their wives red-handed with women lovers.

Tony, who has military training and thus gets side jobs as a bodyguard of top politicians, discovered that the woman he was cohabiting with and considering tying the knot with was actually turned on by other women. They had to call it quits since she couldn’t trust any woman her live-in girlfriend became friendly with.

“I had to avoid the woman due to the drama she dragged along. If it was not threats from her military fiancé, it was her annoying advances that she kept making each time we met,” says a woman who knew the couple, but asked to remain anonymous.

“There’s this time she came with two women home. I did not want to be confused for a lesbian since most people had started questioning whether I was also her girlfriend.”

One big happy family

Whereas Tony could not share his woman with another woman, Francis, a chef, does not mind a three-way relationship with his Burundian wife, Sabrina. Francis who runs a restaurant in one of Nairobi’s leafy suburbs, has no qualms when his wife brings women to their matrimonial bed.

“It spices up our sex life and besides, which man would resist two women in his bed,” poses Francis. He adds that, “I don’t think this is cheating because my wife does the hunting.”

Moving forward

As partners ‘come out’, many women find themselves shoved in the closet. Experts advise that one should seek immediate counselling services.

“This will help the woman and man decide what they both can and cannot live with. Get checked immediately for sexually transmitted diseases whether or not your partner admits to any sexual infidelity. Telling your children depends on their age and understanding. You may need professional guidance to deal with this. It is important for them to feel loved and secure and that they know they are not to blame for the situation,” reads an excerpt from marriage.about.com.

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