Dear Coleen: Affair with cheating girl has ruined my perfect life

Dear Coleen

I’m 31, have my own place, a secure job and life is fantastic – well, it was until about six weeks ago.

I had been seeing a girl for a year, but she already had a boyfriend so we saw each other behind his back. It’s horrible, I know, and I’m not proud of it – but once we’d kissed the first time, I was hooked.

Then six weeks ago she ended it and I was upset, but deep down I knew it was for the best. The following week, she dumped her boyfriend too, so I thought maybe we could work things out. We’d vowed to remain friends as we have lots of mates in common.

Then last weekend, I was talking to a so-called friend about her and he had no idea she’d had a boyfriend when we were dating. He didn’t approve and a big row erupted, so I went home upset, but all this has been building up for a while.

I’ve had to tell so many lies and keep so many secrets, and it’s been eating away at me.

Right now, I just feel empty, constantly upset and I’m suffering insomnia and headaches. I have no one to turn to. I’m ashamed and embarrassed about feeling like this, but what can I do? I’m breaking down crying at the slightest thing.

My ex got in contact and said she’d be there for me. A couple of days later I was having a bad day, so I asked her to come over for a chat and she just said, “no chance, I’m watching Star Wars”.

Then I found out she’s already with someone else, which was another massive punch in the guts. Please help.

Coleen says

I think it says lot about this girl that she was seeing you for a year behind her boyfriend’s back. She’s a player and a liar. And, although it’s heartbreaking, your pride is hurt and you feel embarrassed and angry, the best thing you can do now is not to let her back in your life in any way.

I don’t think she’ll help you to feel better or move on. She’s already ditched you to see Star Wars. That was more important to her.

You need to get some fighting spirit back. You have a great life. You don’t need someone like her dragging you down and spoiling it for you. Trust me, there are many women out there who would be interested in a young, successful man like yourself. Think of her dumping you as a lucky escape – you’re better than that.

What’s great is that you won’t have to lie and keep secrets any more. That’ll be a huge weight off your shoulders.

It’s very stressful conducting an affair and being dangled on a string waiting for someone to make a decision. The bottom line is, this woman was only ever there for you when it suited her.

As for your mate, a good friend can be brutally honest and he’s probably right not to feel sorry for you. I think that’s the right attitude.

The best way to move forward is to acknowledge that you shouldn’t have got involved in the first place, then learn from the experience