Let’s talk about sex and university studies

I got an invitation from Moseti of the University of Nairobi to speak to students next Friday evening at the campus about ‘Sex, the Youth and Relationships’. I guess they couldn’t get the belligerent Gatundu South MP, and Beryl was busy, so they got the second best bronze speaker Tony M.

To take suspense out of the speech, there are better cliff-hangers, like the next season of ‘scandal’, here’s what I let them know about sex, the youth, et cetera.

To be a youth is to be young-like your early 20s (never mind what Ruto and Kalonzo Musyoka try to tell you about their ‘youth’)

If you are in university, then as a youth, your three main concerns will be your studies, sex and alcohol (unless you are in CU, then this course isn’t for you) Or, as I put it, the three boos - Books, Boobs, and Booze. I know the Asher Roth song ‘I love college’ says otherwise (Google the lyrics), but try not to be loose about these three things of Bethlehem.

As hard experience taught some of us, if you are loose about your studies in campus, you will do a lot of re-sits in your six years there for a four-year course.

If you are going to be the campus love democrat, make sure condoms are used. There are a lot of ‘lifestyle’ diseases out here, and in there, in ‘the Box’. Be the sly fox that ate the female cassava without catching the potato blight. Young ladies, campus pregnancies come with the very real possibility of dropping out. So, be good, and if you cannot be good, be careful.

If you are going to get into serious relationships in college, try to date someone you would proudly introduce to your parents - someone whom you share studies, and wild post-campus dreams with. Dreams that, mostly, will not come true.

Try to last more than a semester with your new college boy/girlfriend. If she dumps you for a 40-year-old married man who drives Mark X while you tarmac on your Footsubishu, shrug philosophically and keep on walking. Preferably with a bottle of something very strong in your hand. Life and love go on.

(Here I must stop and pay homage to my college sweetheart Carol G.) Everyone in college needs a girlfriend who believes their dreams are valid- and sneaks liquor sachets into expensive clubs for their boyfriends in double – D brasseries.

Avoid the mind of college relationships the youth sing about these I T days – sijui “tulianza na ka-selfie, Saturday”, double tap , and by the Sunday after Valentine’s next week, the romance is through – and you have unfriended, unfollowed and dis-instagrammed each other, yet her underwear is still hidden somewhere in the interior glooms of your campus room.

Know that, nine times out of ten, you will break up soon after campus. It’s no big deal! You shared three years of a unique period in your life as an undergraduate that you’ll never forget. And now it is time to move on, hopefully to a car, a career and the careening life of a crazy single until someone ensnares you somewhere in the late 20s to early 30s and makes a decent wo-MAN out of you.

As for the men, some day you will be in a supermarket, looking for the liquor section, and suddenly you will spy Anna-Della, the college slut, in the company of two cute boys, and her handsome husband.

You will veer off course to say ‘hallo’. After all, you still recall the night you had a drunken threesome with her and her bi-curious BFF to the date, and want to thank her for the memory with a meaningful

shake of the hand-but, alas, when you turn the corner, Anna- Della will have disappeared herself and her family.

Because men like you, and Silas Nyanchwani, are the last people she ever wants to run into in her life - unless it’s in the Obits.

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