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Confessions: Why are Kenyan women so difficult to handle?

Readers Lounge By Simon and Boke
I came back home after 18 years living abroad with the hope of settling down and starting a family (Photo: Shutterstock)

I am 37 and moved back to Kenya after 18 years living abroad in various countries. My idea was to invest back home and find a mate, settle down and start a family. However, I ran into a very peculiar problem. Why are Kenyan women so difficult to handle? Women from other parts of Africa are so much easier to please compared to the always complaining, always nagging and never satisfied Kenyan woman. Kenyan men abroad are seen as hard-working, responsible and loving. We’re sought-after all the way down to Namibia, South Africa, Botswana and Zambia. I don’t understand what has gone wrong with Kenyan women and I think they should be warned that if they do not improve, we shall soon start outsourcing higher quality replacements from abroad.

{Martin}

What the readers say:

Martin, a woman is a woman despite their origin. You are the one to make a difference as a man and husband. Try and find out the root course of those happenings and check if you could have contributed to them in one way. Outsourcing women from abroad won't be a sustainable solution and you may need to add critical things such as intimacy, proximity, sexuality e.t.c. Treat them with warmth, respect and appreciation and you will discover that that woman is easy to handle and you won't hear complaints of any nature.

{Nicodemus Momanyi}

East or West home is always best. Why should you despise Kenya women and ladies? Remember women or ladies behave differently depending on time, situations and circumstances and this applies to members those African women or ladies you found with all your personal satisfaction came from somewhere in Africa. Remember if your father hadn’t found a good thing and satisfaction with your mother, you would not have been born. So if your father could not have found satisfaction in your mother you would never have been born.

{Onyango Outha}

We are living in a time during which our society’s obsession with instant gratification has multiplied in the dating scene. Simply put, ever since sex became easier to get, real love became harder to find. You might be looking for comfort but not a relationship or in other words "a modern relationship " Here is where you have to be honest with yourself. Are you looking for someone to love and face challenges with or are you solely looking for comfort, affection, and the feeling of being wanted by someone? there are plenty of good Kenyan women out there, it is you to choose wisely!

{Fred Jausenge}

A person's behavior in adulthood is dependent on nature and nurture. Further, the first impression you give to a lady is the exact deal she will give you! When you begin on a high note then continue with that. You give our ladies very high expectations of you when you raise standards with borrowed items. When truth dawns on our ladies, they start acting strangely and you too begin the blame game! Never pretend to be what you are not. Let somebody hate what you are than like and admire the pretext in you!

{Ouma Ragumo – Sifuyo}

Boke says:

Dear Martin,

This is a sweeping statement and a perfect case of stereotyping. It is not true that Kenyan women are impossible to please, ever complaining and nagging. However, some women from Kenya and other parts of the world can be nagging and all that you have mentioned.

I cannot help but wonder who these women are that you have been interacting with. Unfortunately, their negativity has rubbed off on you and you now sound like one who is also whining.

We excuse your being outside the country for a long time as the reason you had unrealistic expectations. Kenyan women are normal, meaning we too have the good, the angels, the bad and the nasty ones. And that is also true about the women from the other countries that you hold in high esteem.

So chances are that you could be hanging out with a wrong crowd. Otherwise you would have met the good ones by now. It is prudent to ask yourself why you are attracting the wrong people.

The other angle to this could be your attitude. I am not by any means saying that this could be you, but being honest is a favour you can reward yourself. We know of a number of people, who, because of their stint abroad, carry themselves around with a bloated ego; expecting every woman to not only notice them but also adore the ground they walk on. When this does not happen, they label the women cocky. Be fair in your judgment to both yourself and the women.

There are great women in Kenya. Just be patient and you will find one. All the best.

Hilda Boke Mahare has a background in Counselling Psychology

Simon says:

Martin, thank you for your observation and for sharing your predicament with us. It is rather unfortunate that you are having difficulty adapting to the women in Kenya after your tours abroad and numerous experiences with women in different countries, some of which you rightfully listed.

This must be frustrating for you but I think all is not lost and you may be able to find many good-hearted, understanding and ready to settle women in Kenya so you could proceed with your plans. However, for this to happen we need to get a few things right.

First, you will need to work on your attitude and perceptions about Kenyan women if you are to see anything good in them. In Kenya, millions of men have found good, loving, understanding and caring women and have successfully built families with these women.

Some of these men have also been abroad some to even more countries than you yet when they came back they found good women, settled down with them and are living happily since then. Why is this so? Because they did not bring their hang-ups from the women they met in the course of globe-trotting to the women in Kenya.

Having been to many other countries as well, I know what you are talking about. The context is totally different when you are in a foreign country and when you are in your home country looking for a woman to settle down with.

When abroad, women perceive you as a tourist, perhaps a guy with lots of money and no woman breathing down on their necks should they get too cozy with you. In most cases, their interests are short-term and of economic nature. Such women are very easy to please – actually, your wallet pleases them for you.

Things are different here “on the ground” where, in addition to your wallet, the women you meet are looking for a long-term relationship, they are genuine, they want something that is real, something they can bank on. For these ones, the pleasing may take much more effort than for someone who is pleased by your wallet.

When you find that you met a number of women who all seemed too hard to please, were always whining and nagging, then perhaps you need to change your attitude and adapt. The too-hard-to-please could be that your game is low, the whining could be that they are expressive and direct with things they care about and nagging is a way of assessing your ability to hang in there through thick and thin.

Work on your attitude, brother, and the results will surprise you.

Simon Anyona is a relationship counselor

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