Why children view their parents negatively

Nyanza and Central region are leading in regions where children view their parents negatively in Kenya, a new report indicates.

Out of 8 regions, (Nyanza, Central, Eastern, North Eastern, Rift valley, Western, Coast and Nairobi) Nyanza stood at 88.4 per cent, closely followed by Central at 82.5 per cent.

Coastal region was leading on the rankings of the regions where children view their parents positively at 24.7 per cent, followed by Western at 24.2 per cent.

The report which was published by InfoTrak in September this year in a bid to shed light on families and relationships in the country, showed that 72.5 per cent of the respondents reported that today's children view their parents negatively while 17.8 per cent view their parents positively.

The report formulated according to responses from 800 respondents sourced from across the country. The respondents were then subdivided into groups of ages 18-24, 24-29, 30-34, 35-39, 40-44, 45-49, 50-55, 56-59 and over 60 years.

With the school holidays just around the corner, it is important to know where the society is going wrong in terms of parent- children relationships.

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Sometimes people can hate you for no reason at all and through no actions of your own. But if those people are your children, it is worth trying to figure out what really happened.

In April this year, a stubborn young man is reported to have stabbed his father, Michael Amolo, 18 times after he (the father) questioned the son on his reasons for skipping his exams.

Michael Owino (fondly known to his family as DJ- Dad Junior) was not ready to discuss that with his father, and after sereval trials by his father to enquire about this, the father gave us and walked outside the house. DJ then went into the kitchen and picked a kitchen knife and stabbed his father several times in the head and neck.

In February last year, a 64 year old woman was stabbed several times to death by her adopted daughter in Nyeri County. In Butere Sub-County, a son accidentally killed his mother in August this year, while trying to separate a quarrel that had ensued between them. He threw a stool at his father but it missed him and instead hit his mother killing her instantly. What could be causing this bad blood between children and their parents? According to Marriage counselor Mary Malinda, when parents fight in the presence of their children, it makes children lose respect for them. "Other parents go on to tell their children the mistakes that their other parent has committed. This makes the child develop a negative attitude towards that particular parent, and lose respect for them," she says. Peter Maina Wambugu, a counselor and religious leader, says that one of the many contributors to this mess in the society is the issue of overprotectiveness of the current parents over their children.

"In the past, children belonged to the community and anyone was responsible for the wellbeing and disciplining of anyone's children. Today if a teacher hits a child, it is considered a crime." He says.

Wambugu also notes that young parents do not know how to raise children and there being no role models, the result is the mess currently witnessed in the society.

The report by InfoTrak also showed that parents are currently raising children who are not future husband or wife materials as indicated by 59.9 per cent of the surveyed respondents.

Hannah Kaburu- a parent to six grownups says that in the olden days there was no negotiation with children as witnessed these days.

"A parent's word was final. And children respected that. It was unexpected that a child can retort to their parent or rebel. Disciplining was done by any parent in the village. We were parents and disciplinarians to every child around. This ensured that we were collectively raising the children by following the accepted norms in the society," she said.

Children learn by observing.

"They can sense when there is tension between parents," Malinda says.

Wambugu also supports this statement adding that: "When you see a kid with questionable character, you should question the parents' as well."

John Kiniti- a father of three, to a teenage girl, 10 year old boy and a three year old girl says that it is hard to raise youngsters and one has to be very keen if they are to notice any behavioral changes in their children. "They view us as old folks who are not up to date with the digital era. They think they know it all. Some are very manipulative and rebellious. When I say no, they want to twist their mother's arm to get what they want," he adds.

"I developed a negative attitude towards his father after seeing how he (His dad) treats my mother. My mother also often told us when they had a disagreement with dad. It is often because of money," said Patrick Murumba* on condition that this name be concealed because of the sensitivity of the matter.

"I am now a grown man and I do not let their issues affect me. But growing up I had harbored a lot of resentment towards this man," he says.

Murumba is among the many children who have, at one point disliked a parent for one reason or another.

Drug abuse, internet influence

Other reasons that have been cited for this unbecoming animosity between parents and children are the violent movies and videos that are readily available on the internet and movie stores and drug abuse.

According to psychologist Chris Hart, there is currently so much conflicting advice, so many opinions, so much criticism, so that many parents don't know what to do.

"Also there are completely new challenges, like the internet and social media, so that children are harder to control and more stressed. Add to that the fact we don't teach parenting in school, and you have a recipe for confusion," he notes.

In Kakamega a man exposed his son for often raping his own mother after substance abuse. The accused also killed his brother after he (the brother) refused to buy his chang'aa.

Witchcraft

Wambugu also says that there is also lot of evil in the recent times.

"The spiritual aspect also plays a role in shaping the children. Many homes have gotten themselves into witchcraft. This comes back to affect the family itself and the result is with those who grow up to replace their parents in the society." He notes adding that families should have morals.

According to Wambugu, the biggest share of the blame should be laid on the parents. "There is a lot of divorce cases these days, which then results into a parent raising children single handedly," he says.

The African culture which has gradually been eroded by the western culture also played a major role in shaping the character of a child. Some cultures are still very strict on some issues like marriage and the roles of each party in a marriage institution- like in the coastal region.

This explains why it is leading in the country in how the children view their parents positively.

Lucy Macharia says that growing up in a strict society ensures she sticks by her parents expectations.

"Although I have seen them disagree on several occasions, I have learnt to always let the grownups be. I don't hate my parents. I know they are not perfect. I love them just as they are." She says.

Brian* was raised by a single parent. He just graduated from a local university last month. According to him, parents sacrifice a lot to see their children through school.

"I don't understand how children can view their parents negatively after all that. I have seen my uncles, and aunts come together to collectively raise me and help where they cold, even financially. There is no way I would hate anyone of them. I am where I am now because of them." He says.

Is there hope?

How then do parents redeem themselves from a situation where their children view them negatively? "Invest in your children instead of investing for them," Malinda says, adding that while parents are out chasing wealth, they tend to ignore their children who then do outrageous things just to get the attention of their parents.

"When children have access to an unlimited source of revenue, they will spend it on anything. They will be uncontrollable." Malinda points out.

Malinda also advises that that parents should always discuss their children's' requests so they do not contradict each other.

"Let the children know that when mom says no, then dad will definitely say no. When raising our five children, we made sure that they know we are united in our decisions. So they never could pull any of us apart to change the decisions we made. It is a good thing and I am glad to see them grow to be such successful people in life," she says.

According to Dr Hart, social skills like parenting (and relationships, work skills etc) on the school curriculum.

Wambugu insists on the re-introduction of some of the ways that children were raised in the past in order to restore sanity.

"We have to re-introduce some things like canning, because if we do not cane when these children are young, we still have prison, they will disciplined elsewhere. Parents need to grow up." He said adding that some parents go to the extent of even drinking together with their kids.

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