Pulse: How would you describe Njugush in two words?
Shaniqwa: Please let it be three; thin, thinner, thinnest!
P: Imagine Njugush in contest, what would it be?
S: An eating competition. He would get a certificate of participation.
P: If you got into a physical tiff, how would you go about it?
S: Why would I even waste my energy, all I need to use is blow dry and off he goes.
P: Imagine him in dreadlocks?
S: He would be a walking broom.
P: What if he were a tout?
S: He would be known as ‘Kondo mtrue’ or ‘mkonda’ with a tired Nissan plying the Industrial area route.
P: If you were to compose a song for him how would it sound?
S: It would be titled Roberto, the Amarula remix, It would go this way; My name Njuguna kanyasi, so thin and slim like kanyasi, they call me nicknames kanyasi, fire fire naogopa kama kanyasi!
P: He is doing well in his show, how would he fare as a stand-up comedian in your view?
S: He would be Kanono Nation of Mla chake show.
P: Can he dance to a Lingala beat?
S: They would be like. “Lingala is losing it”, the dancers should be beefed up for effect.
P: If you were in his shoes what would you change?
S: His inner soles. I would make them like a big sponge niwache kufinywa na mfupa.
P: How would he look if he was wearing a biker?
S: The crowd would go like “OMG, they manufactured a longer selfie stick”.
P: One last diss for him?
S: Njugush ni mkonda hadi akimeza mate anakojoa (He is so thin that if he swallows saliva, he would be forced to visit the gents).
Pulse: Describe Shaniqwa?
Njugush: Shaniqwa is what’s wrong with this country... let’s look no farther.
P: Imagine her in a beauty contest?
N: She would end up at home because the sponsors would automatically pull off the gig... thanks to her, or is it him?
P: If you had a wife like Shaniqwa how would you handle her?
N: Simple! Send her back to her parents back in machinani.
P: How is she faring as a socialite?
N: She should be known as Waitherero – specialising in pick-pocketing male and female celebs.
P: If it were not for acting what would she be?
N: A water vendor or one of those hawkers.
P: If you were to compose a song for her how would it go?
N: It would be titled Tulikukosea Nini Mungu ukatupa Shaniqwa?
P: Can he hack it as a stand-up comedian?
N: Shanitho would be her name – not smart enough, she would be based at a bar, lodging and boarding, spa and butchery.
P: Imagine her twerking in a reggae club?
N: The show would come to an abrupt end owing to unavoidable circumstances. She would probably resemble one of those funny looking wannabe cover girls.
P: If you were in her shoes, what would you change?
N: The legs... those hairy legs!
P: Imagine her in a mini skirt?
N: I can’t. I refuse to can.
P: What of her as a Nigerian actress?
N: She would never appear on screen – no.
P: One final diss...
N: Shaniqwa is so hairy, her whole body is a private part.