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Why women fake their social status and class

Lady Speak
 Photo:Courtesy

Women are very easy to rate. However they can be very cunning and adaptive when it comes to faking their back grounds.

With the availability of photo shop and filters in the social media applications a woman from Muchatha can easily post photos of her faded jeans and mtumba high heels and airbrush them together with the back ground to seem like she comes from Karen.

But when you scratch deeper, certain habits among women almost always betray their social class and hoods.

Here is what our survey revealed about women and their hoods:

1. Buruburu

Buru Buru is the 'leafy' suburb of Eastlands. Most women here still believe that the world revolves around them. By the way, be careful if you take their man, the whole estate will come after you.

Education: Is she does not make it to Buruburu girls or St Triza's in Ngara, her parents will send her to a school in the village. Some will make it to The University of Nairobi while the rest join KEMU or any other upcoming campus.

Careers: The bright ones end up studying law but the rest vary from sales girls in exhibition shops in the CBD, receptionists to waitresses.

Dating: With the Buruburu girl age is always a determining factor. When in her late teenage and early 20's a typical Buru girl is attracted to touts. At her late twenties and early thirties she will hook up with the Estates money bags whom she will stay with till she is almost 40 when she discovers that he has a baby mama in Umoja and is pursuing another girlfriend in Kilimani.

 If she can walk out of her marriage without being shot by the husband who wants to have his cake and eat it. She will immediately send her children to boarding schools and start dating a college kid who is only five years old than her first born

Fashion: It also depends on age. Buru girls in their early twenties love their jeans in bright colors, six inch high heels that make them walk like new born calves and matched with shiny second hand bangles from Muthurwa market.

 They upgrade to pencil skirts that they occasionally mismatch with their pink camisoles when they graduate to their late twenties. They will be stuck in the same dress code till they are fifty and it's time to wear a material hipster like trouser with faded jeans jacket.

Language: Sheng and Swang-lish (Swahili blended with English)

2. Langata

Langata is the headquarters of hustlers. This ambition is most probably inspired by the need to live in Karen or crossover in Kilimani. If you live in a bedsitter when you get married to a Langata women be sure that you will be living a three bedroom within two years. It's in them. They don't settle for less.

Education: She tried. Her parents pushed her and to do well in school. Her mother was probably a nurse at St Mary's Otiende hospital while her father runs a grocery. She wants a better life so she manages a B+ in Kenya high and ends up either in The University of Nairobi or Kenyatta University where she graduates with a second class honors.

Careers: She gets employed briefly in a legal firm but since she is too ambitious she decides to leave that and start her own business. She will lease land in Namanga and Limuru, an idea she borrowed from a friend while sipping a latte at java Koinange Street. Within three years she has a house in Kiserian thanks to her booming farm business which sees her supply to several top Supermarkets in the city.

Dating: Unfortunately, due to her immersive success and ability to be a landlord at only 32 years old, the Langata woman seems to intimidate men. You can't really blame her for settling for second or even third wife to some equally successful business man. She is looking for some occasional love and affection, not money!

Fashion: She can wear whatever she wants because she can afford it but you will often bump into her in T-Mall pushing a trolley in her flip-flops, stockings covering her weave or braids and some pants that border between pajamas and gym pants.

Language: She speaks her English as well as she does her Sheng. Don't really count on her Swahili, she is probably luo!

3. Kilimani

Kilimani women are self entitled both in real life and social media. They do their cooks ups, make up trials meet up is that even a thing) and chamas to discuss husband welfare. They are also spoilt, both by their parents and spouses.

Education: She probably went to Statehouse, Pangani, Kenya high or a posh school in North Rift like Sacho and Kabarak. Do not be fooled she is only book smart and far from street smart. She went to Daystar University, Egerton or Kabarak University because her father insisted.

Careers: They don't really pursue employment because they are either bringing up their children or pretending to work in their fathers company every once in a while. Besides if they are employed when will they hit the streets and demonstrate over miniskirts and other middle class problems? Priorities people, priorities!

Dating: They date within the hood or from their tribe (most of them are Kalenjins). They will occasionally stray and date a Buru Buru guy who has been pretending to be a lawyer until they find out he is a just a flimsy con trying to get a few beers from her every Friday.

Fashion: They don't really put much effort and have a habit of mismatching. They probably don't feel the need to prove that their father owns half of Kapkatet tea farm.

Language: English and old school Sheng.

4. South C

South C women are very conservative. They go to work on time, come back home before dusk, make their smoothies and post them on social media before updating how they enjoy their single lives. Mind you she is 38.

Education: if she is Christian, she went to Ngara girls while the Indians and Arabs prefer schools that are close to their cultures.

Careers: As soft as they may appear, most women who live here are geeks. They work for construction companies as lead architects, bank managers or even doctors.

Dating: Like mentioned above, they are very conservative when it comes to relationships. Infact most of them end up in arranged marriages.

Fashion: The Christians try to keep up with fashion while the Indians and Arabs will always stick to their traditional attires.

Language: They easily blend in.

5. Nyayo Estate

Nyayo estate women are very mysterious. Neighbours can hardly keep up with the men they date nor can they explain their sources of income. You will only know about her back ground after seeing her in the news either after being shot by a scorned lover or explaining how fake millions ended up in her house.

Education: Could be anywhere. Most of the women who live here were probably from Umoja or even the village before they were upgraded by their sponsors.

Careers: She is a wheeler dealer. When not hiding 'bribe' money for her policeman boyfriend she is running her struggling pub just a few meters from the Estate. She will occasionally fly to Thailand and China for some unknown business. She never talks about it.

Dating: They can date upto three men at a go. From policemen, business men to politicians. Whoever can contribute to maintain their lifestyle. This explains why the estate is famed for crimes of passion!

Fashion: She is very keen to look good since looks her image also doubles up as her source of income. She has her china wear supplier on speed dial if she has a date.

Language: Her English needs some polishing!

6. Westlands/Mountain View

Education: Agakhan and Parklands schools. After high school they fly out abroad to study photography and design.

Careers: Most of them don't have well defined careers. You will always bump into them in galleries sipping on wine and gasping how heavenly a warthog painting looks.

Dating: They begin dating at 35. All this time they were stuck at 18 and thought it was too early to settle down. They then get frustrated that their spouses don't treat them like their daddies and get divorced after eight months.

Fashion: They have just discovered Ankara. Even their hand bags are themed towards African wear.

Language: English and only English. They can't even speak their mother tongue.

7. Kinoo

Kinoo women still believe that they live in Nairobi and that they are entitled to misuse the name Waiyaki Way when asked where they live. They are loud and shady and still believe that spandex and faux pas leather is the in thing.

Education: They went to Gaichanjiru and Gatururu girls where they managed a B- and joined UON for a degree. Either a cow was sold or a village harambee was held for her to get some pocket money to survive in Nairobi.

Careers: After campus they hustled their way up while interning in security firms doing secretarial jobs. They later manage to buy a plot in Nduboini and build six mabati houses which gives them income as they hustle with their online business which ranges from selling mtumba to delivering goods from door to door.

Dating: Anybody who drives.

Fashion: Fake leather and glittery dresses.

Language: Kikuyu and Swahili. English is strictly for official purposes.

8. Kasarani

Nowadays they just call it Thika Road. Most women here hang out around The Thika Road Mall (TRM) where they take selfies and post on instagram followed by a battalion of hashtags making it look like they live in Karen.

Education: Most of them are from different counties and just came to Nairobi the other day. They must have attended a little know college school before coming to Nairobi for a diploma course in one of those little known colleges in town.

Careers: They are still trying to find a stable job as they hop from receptionist to short stints with upcoming Public relations firms.

Dating: If a guy can buy them chips and kuku then he is good to go.

Fashion: They make do with second hand clothes from Ngara market.

Language: They try to stick with Swahili but are more comfortable speaking their mother tongue.

9. Karen

You cannot easily tell a woman is from Karen until you meet her in the bar around the hood. She will drink the whole night, whether single or married. Karen women will always hang out with their child hood friends.

Education: Most of them follow the British curriculum and go to expensive schools like Braeburn and Hillcrest. Their college years are spent abroad where they are supposed to sharpen their skills to enable them to run their family business.

Careers: Since they are always drunk and money is not a problem, there is nothing to write home about their career status.

Dating: If she is not dating a white man, she is seeing a man from the same status. Her family must approve.

Fashion: She can really dress up if she wants to but on a normal day she is in rugged jeans and a t-shirt.

Language: English and mother tongue.

10. Mlolongo/Athi River/ Syokimau

All flight attendants and cabin crew have moved to these neighborhoods due to their proximity from the airport. The houses also seem very nice on the eye.

Education: Depending on their origin some went to schools in Machakos and Kajiado County. Details of their tertiary education are scanty as most are trained in-house.

Careers: Cabin crew and go down casuals.

Dating: Given their tight schedules, they prefer dating colleagues or married men.

Fashion: They are mostly in their job uniform but when they decide to dress up they really outdo themselves.

Language: English, Swahili and mother tongue.

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